Stumbled onto Past Pass Times: Blog in the Time of Corona

Things are boring but in a good way. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone but me, considering boring is a negative term, but I enjoy feeling bored sometimes. There is a sense of relief, of relaxation, of rest. I have obviously had too much of said feeling, or else I wouldn’t be writing this. But I choose to cherish it, because not being bored right now would most likely mean me or someone I love would be in trouble, Boris Johnson style. I believe I have mentioned that I am quarantined with three friends in my summer house and, as much as we appreciate our work for university which obviously never got the memo about a pandemic happening, we needed to find ways to pass the time. Rather than acquiring a new skill or learning a new language, we decided to return to the comfort of past pass times. That’s the kind of good boredom I was referring to.

I, as a monad, did what I always do and started rewatching one of my favourite comedy series. This time round it was Frasier, because let’s face it, Scrubs would most likely give me medical nightmares. I have enough of those already. I must have watched 99.9% of Frasier about six times, I might even be downplaying the number. And I say 99.9% because I have only watched the very last episode once. Because the way this brain works, is that if it hasn’t been exposed to a finale it has no reason to believe the series is over. The way I have been watching Frasier is even more schizophrenic than referring to my brain as a separate entity. I am watching season one, two and three in parallel. Let me explain. I introduced a friend to Frasier, hence season one. I had some spare time to watch it myself, hence season two. Me and my friend started picking up the pace and I got worried we would catch up with myself and began season three for an extra layer of insurance. And then I liked this system.

We, as a group of four, started playing Tichu again. This is a game that is supposedly Chinese, but I haven’t met anyone Chinese that recognises it as their own. And everyone in Greece was playing Tichu for a couple of years there. It is the most racially colour-blind game ever. I won’t try to explain the rules but just know that you have a partner and two mortal enemies. And for some inexplicable reason, you tend to fight with your partner more than your rivals. Also, for some reason, it is a game best played between the hours 12-4am. That is my explanation for our messed up sleeping schedule anyway.  

There was one thing, however, that I thought I would never do again, something buried deep inside, almost forgotten. And yet, in the absence of the Internet we turned to it once more. We watched proper TV. And I mean proper. I mean commercial breaks and all. I mean waiting to see what else comes on after the program we were intentionally watching finished. I mean leaving our entertainment up to faith. I entered proper grandma mode, putting the commercials on silent, and rushing to the bathroom in order not to miss any of the action. And when I say action, I am referring to Greek period (melo)drama set in rural northern Greece, about three recently orphaned sisters with a dark secret. To perfect this analogy, my housemate kept asking that we turn up the volume because she couldn’t hear well.

On that note, we also watched a bunch of old Greek movies. Greek channels have decided that the best way to beat the covid blues is showing us the golden age of Greek cinema where the same 10 actors did all the movies. And you know what? They were right! Would these movies pass the Tomatometer today? No. God no. But, with their protective sleeve of nostalgia, they were a good distraction. The first three anyway, I think I began watching Frasier on the fourth old Greek movie. Old Greek movies inevitably lead to less old Greek movies, and these are awesome. First and foremost, because they are parodies of the aforementioned properly old Greek movies. After the four that I watched, I needed a fun take on all their faults and exaggerations. For my Greek readers (look at me, pretending my blog is widely read), I am referring to ‘Κλάμα βγήκε από τον Παράδεισο’, which is our funniest film to date. And this film was as heavily featured in our quarantine, with quotes, songs, but thankfully not fashion choices, every minute of every day. As a tribute to this unlikely inside joke, we even filmed a half-finished dance routine inspired from this movie, which will remain in deep archives; Assange wouldn’t get to them even if he tried.

This next one is a past pass time that, for some reason, I believe binds as all together. Disney films. Whoever claims they have not resorted to rewatching Aladdin, Hercules or Moana during these trying times, they are lying. And unjustifiably so. Never had the words of ‘How Far I’ll Go’ felt more personal than when we were in quarantine by the edge of the water feeling like the line where the sky meets the sea called us. I am flirting with plagiarism here. We decided to pair this trip down memory lane with the Spotify Disney playlist playing  on repeat. As I am writing this, I became painfully aware that there is probably some incriminating videos of me passionately dancing ‘Man Out of You’. I was happier not knowing.

For this last one, I did not partake. This was two of my temporary housemates. They started playing Club Penguin again. Club Penguin is what online games looked like in 2005. There is no real reason for the avatars being penguins; it is not like they have some penguin like abilities that are of use in the game. And while I am silently judging my friends for playing this I have to recognise that it is a game of 200 million accounts. But intended for children aged 6 to 14. We are 25. I think what makes this regression even worse is that they had trouble logging in. Again, intended for ages 6 to 14. And these people have degrees.

Now this is a proper blog. No point. No gain. Just a useless glimpse into our quarantine. We had a great time, we had the fortune of being detached from the rest of the world with plenty of food and wine. Now, forced to join the rest of the world in quarantine, I hope to have given some recreational ideas for people who are clearly bored, or at the very least, some opportunities to condescend and mock four people that had a great time for three worldwide hellish weeks. 

Stumbled onto Greek Quarantine: Blog in the time of Corona

We live in strange times. Very strange. This is probably the first time that I have had to leave the UK to return to Greece where things are done in a strict and timely manner. It is the first time in years that my phone rang rather than vibrated for a message; it was the government telling us that we are all doomed, more or less. I am tempted to think that Voldemort is behind it all. But I believe that we as Muggles will prevail! What we lack in toilet paper, we make up in in memes.

Due to the current pandemic, whoever travels back from the UK needs to self-quarantine for 14 days. Three friends and I decided to group self-quarantine in a summerhouse altogether just to make sure we don’t die of ennui before coronavirus. There are many benefits in isolating in a group of four; first of all, there are more board games you can play. Our inspiration comes from early university years, ranging from the coolest card game you could play at the time, Tichu, to the nerdiest game, Munchkins. And we’ve topped up the games with a bit of alcohol to keep us going. The only downside to this addition is that we have proven unable to master new games, such as Exploding Kittens. I tried explaining the rules to my fellow playmates but they proved too drunk to follow.

Secondly, we can form two to four battlefields towards the end of the quarantine and then not talk again for a while. Ideally, this won’t be the case and this cohabitation will go ahead nice and smoothly. But if the road gets rocky, I think we will go through enough rotations, alliances, betrayals and quiet sulking to make Game of Thrones appear dull and one dimensional. This will be live entertainment in an unprecedented way. Problem is, I am not currently very wise in these practices and possibly at a disadvantage. And have now publicly shared that for my friends and future opponents to read. Darn it! But as the rest of my life is put on hold, perhaps this is a good opportunity for a new skill set right out of Days of our Lives. I will then be ready to enter a reality show and flourish.

Thirdly, we have four different moms, who are in an unspoken contest with each other about who can cook more food. We were ready to spend our days with canned beans and hard candy, and instead we found ourselves with meat pies and chocolate cakes. And about 15 phone calls per day to virtually check our temperature, but it is a small price to pay for the aforementioned delicacies. Greek moms are not content with just matching the caloric input of another mom; taste, effort and technique are paramount. Then of course, there is fruits and vegetables, which we are most grateful for considering pharmacies have run out of our usual supply of manufactured vitamins. It is, however, much more difficult to peal a kiwi than drop a Vitamin C tablet in a glass of water, but such small challenges are what fill up our day. That and trying to get the aforementioned moms to stay the fuck away so we do not partake in possible contamination.

Lastly, what has been beneficial for the time being is the societal pressure imposed by fellow humans. This societal pressure is what has delayed our becoming cavemen (cavewomen in our case). We have had almost daily showers. I have washed my hair once. One of us even shaved her legs. Deep down I know that were I all alone, it would be very hard to get me back to normality after two weeks of living like a 10-year-old boy without adult supervision. I can’t help but imagine biting into a block of cheese like a bulldog and then just drinking wine from the bottle to wash it down. That’s what 10-year-olds do, right?

Well, it has been a few days, a few Skype meetings, a bit of work, a bit of exercise, a lot of cooking, a lot of extracurricular reading, a lot of worrying, a lot of memes, a few of them unrelated to the pandemic, so it is much too soon to fully account our experiences as young adults in exile. Let’s all hope that this gets resolved as soon as possible and we get our lives back, however changed, and remain fortunate enough to have simply spent a few weeks complaining about not having to wear a bra and sleeping more than we have ever done before. Eye creams never worked as well as coronavirus.

Stumbled onto a pandemic as a hypochondriac: Blog in the Time of Corona

This is a great time to be a hypochondriac. There is a lot of understanding. Nobody looks at you weird when you wash your hands singing the chorus from Africa by Toto. Nobody thinks you are extreme when you go on a full expedition just to make sure you are not drinking from someone else’s glass. Nobody comments on your insanely dry hands. Taking off your phone case and disinfecting your phone? You, socially appropriate bastard. Of course, there is the constant fear that you have or will get coronavirus and pass it on like the Olympic flame. That one is a bummer.

Life during this pandemic has been very creative. I have developed a nice little regime to get through. For example, as a hypochondriac I am of course doing a number of remedies; my gargles, my warm teas, shooting hot water up my nose and constant complaining to anyone with a phone or my housemate. I have also had to schedule my use of items that I do not want near my bed. That will be (1) my phone, currently placed onto my eyeshadow palette that is no longer of any use, (2) my laptop which contains all of the stuff I should stop reading to control my paranoia and (3) my socks. Now, this is where I have gotten very creative. The dilemma here is that I do not want to go barefoot to wash my hands before going to bed, but do not want my socks in bed because they have done the bed-bathroom route. Also, I do not want to touch said socks with my now clean hands. So, I have mastered the art of taking socks off with my own feet. And I mean all socks; long, short, elastic. This is not so hard, I hear you say. How about putting on socks with your feet because you want to get a glass of water but do not want to wash your hands? Well, you are looking at the master of that too. This pandemic goes on for much longer, I’ll be playing piano with my feet.

This has also been a great time for refreshing my maths. For example, I check my temperature based on the Fibonacci sequence. First, I waited for two hours, then three, then five and then a full eight-hour wait between my normal temperature readings. Take that, Tool. Secondly, I have had a chance to calculate how much faster than the duration of a second I count in my head, and successfully adjusted my counting for washing my hands (and holding my breath to check my lungs are working). I am counting .05% faster. Not bad. Surely, there are numerous graphs explaining exponential growth and the ‘flattening the curve’ argument, but I thought this was the best use of maths for me.

Lastly, as a hypochondriac I have gotten a great amount of physical rest. Considering I have more or less abandoned society. My tiny apartment has few places for me to travel and a very, very comfortable couch. My physical labour is however long a shower takes. I have been in a semi-sitted position for so long my back hurts. And sometimes my upper back hurts and I think the virus has come for my lungs. But then I just shuffle around a bit and all is well. Mentally, I am exhausted. Mentally, I am living through five different dystopian scenarios. Some of them not so bad; I have given myself superpowers for those. Superpower for scenario one: shape shifting. Superpower: for scenario two: calm and rationality.

Will I need therapy after this? Most likely. This post is thankfully an exaggeration of my time through the pandemic. I could not possibly spend my whole day worried; I have series to watch. But as I guess we are all a little bit more paranoid that we were a month ago, I just found it therapeutic to poke some fun at my hideous, dry skin and my unnecessary precautions. Why I felt the need for anyone else to read this is a mystery. Hopefully, this is a less stressful read about the pandemic than any of the emails we have all gotten today. I mean, since when is Krispy Kreme out to scare me?

From what I’ve gathered we should all wash our hands and stay home as much as possible, so let’s all start a blog and complain about the lack of pasta from afar. And moisturize.

Stumbled onto a bunch of series finales over the years

Let me explain what this is with a bunch of commas. This is me, having just finished Breaking Bad, wanting to discuss it like crazy, yet being aware that as the show has been off the air for a while, therefore deciding to bring in a couple of more dramatic series finales to get more clicks. And specifically, Game of Thrones to get even more clicks. I will keep this annoyingly spoiler free, in an attempt to lure even more readers to this clickbait of a post.

I am a comedy fan myself. I appreciate the shorter runtimes of episodes and the lack of commitment. I am left with a more positive outlook on life when Ross and Rachel break up, but the rest of the Friends are eating hair removal wax in Monica’s room. I mean, wax, those goofs. I feel that plot holes matter less as long as the punchline is right and therefore I get less frustrated by impossible mechanical skills, essentially channelling Transformers logic in an otherwise non-robotic series. But there are some drama series that you cannot escape; the hype and pop culture references are just too important. Bitch. For me, those would be Mad Men, Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad. All of them praised for their character development, their antiheroes, and the realistic ethical roller coaster that their characters go through. Some of them even managed to keep that going until the very end.

Mad Men follows Don Draper, the man all men wanted to be and all women wanted to be with, during the 1960’s, that is. The main character is portrayed by the handsomest handsome man, Jon Hamm. He has a complicated past, he is a little less sexist than most sexist men of that era, he is smart and a good friend, but also an alcoholic, dishonest womanizer. Breaking Bad follows Walter White, a sweet chemistry teacher turned drug dealer and murderer once diagnosed with lung cancer. As you do. Game of Thrones follows a bunch of people and, occasionally, White Walkers.

Game of Thrones was rightfully praised for dealing with so many (so, so many) three-dimensional characters, while taking into account political and social variables and still maintaining an action driven plot. It was this combination of magic and sociology (and nudity and violence) that drew in nerds and casual viewers alike. It was what made it special. I believe Game of Thrones was a huge feat for television, not so much for its budget, its set and definitively not its cast, but mostly because it was giving us 50 probable personalities to follow, love and hate, and showed ripples of consequences for their actions. In other words, Robb could not go back on his promise to marry a Frey and still ask for their help and loyalty. I see that clearly now, seven years after the episode aired. But it seems this balance was indeed too big a feat. Showrunners fucked up the series that I would otherwise hold at the same standard as Mad Men and Breaking Bad. It just ignored their characters, their journeys and the consequences of their actions, past and present. It traded in its essence for a scene where Daenerys emerges with dragon wings aligned so that she herself looked like a dragon. At least they got a good poster out of it.

I have had people say that five-to-six excellent seasons should not be overwritten by two-to-three bad ones. And I beg to differ. If a series is more than independent episodes, the ending is as important, if not more. The aftertaste is important. And more so because excellent endings have been achieved by its contemporaries. The ending of Mad Men was genius, fully encompassing Don Draper’s character. And while the ending makes so much sense, you are effectively side-tracked; you get momentarily fooled by the showrunners that they pulled a Daenerys Targaryen on Don Draper. Is this a spoiler? Is it a spoiler now that I wondered if it was a spoiler? I don’t know what it is, but it surely was a good ending. No one got a fairy tale, not everyone got justice. The world remained unfair and the risks remained risky. And Don Draper remained Don Draper but more knowledgeable and evolved. And hot. Very, very attractive.

If the Mad Men finale was amazing, the Breaking Bad finale was amazing-er. Everything led to this finale. Walter has an inner ethic from beginning to end, but of course this ethic gets adjusted, compromised and eventually distorted. Yet it’s there. Every moment of the show is reasonable yet shocking. You end up appreciating every little redeeming quality of an otherwise villain and then you get this self-hatred, both for rooting for this man and for watching episodes when you should be sleeping (or working). The series tests your patience; it really takes its time, it sets things up, it shows the struggle in an almost excruciating pace, and then it hits you with adrenaline rushes similar to Battle of the Bastards. It turns chasing a fly into a deep dive inside the psyche! It gives you characters that can hold critically acclaimed spin offs that you actually look forward to. Because who cares about House of the Dragon anymore? It ruined Bob Odenkirk for any other role because of how good he is as Saul. Honestly, he shows up in Little Women all patriotic and righteous; I almost burst out laughing. Most importantly, it keeps this quality to the very end. I don’t think the last episode or even season necessarily cost more than the rest; it didn’t need to. It just made sure to deal with the characters and give them all an appropriate ending. Or an El Camino movie.

Another friend mentioned that they look forward to the end of this in-your-face realism. I agreed until I watched Breaking Bad. I want my superheroes and my sci-fi; I can even semi-ironically watch Riverdale, but if Vince Gilligan can produce another series finale like this, it can start with a PE teacher for all I care. And just so I finish on another comparison with Game of Thrones, we might have seen Ned Stark get beheaded but at least his head was not then placed on a tortoise. You don’t need Westeros for inspired violence.

Stumbled onto the Wisdom of Frasier

I can’t think of a single thing to write for a while now. Late night was on hiatus for a week. I am pacing through Breaking Bad, which is not exactly recent news. It has not necessarily been a cheery week, which once again seems to fall on said late night hiatus. Curious. Anyway, when things are a little gloomy, I turn to my favourite forbidden pastime; re watching my favourite shows. Why forbidden, I hear you ask. Mostly because when I allow myself to re watch my favourite shows I end up watching Breaking Bad five to ten years later than I should have!

I must have seen Frasier about five times from start to almost finish; I have seen the very last episode only once. I would love to know if I am the only idiot who sometimes refuses to watch the last episode of a series, as if that will magically create new episodes. But Frasier is a safe choice to watch when you are down. Hell, it is a safe choice to watch regardless. It is hilarious, witty, improves your vocabulary (no joke), allows you to namedrop Copernicus during certain psychology lectures (again, no joke) and while the characters are incredibly loveable, it is not an emotional series (provided you steer clear of that last episode – all showrunners want you in tears for their finale. Drama queens). But this time round, I found myself reaching for an episode that I often think about, but more because of certain well-placed one liners. Death and the dog. It is an absurd episode where Frasier’s dad’s dog has not been his cheery self for a couple of days and, despite Frasier and his brother’s mockery, they call a dog psychiatrist. The dog psychiatrist makes an appraisal that Eddie (the dog) is picking up negativity from someone in the household and that is what is causing his depression. After this diagnosis, everyone in the house begins contemplating whether its them that’s causing Eddie’s depression. Which inevitably leads to everyone finding reasons to feel depressed. This might not sound like a great comedy show, but you just have to trust me. While melancholy takes over the human counterparts of the household, Eddie spots his favourite missing toy and immediately cheers up. Our superior intellectuals laugh it off, as, after all, humans are much more complex than dogs and could not just get over a slump by retrieving their favourite toy. And then a bell goes off. Daphne, the housekeeper, had forgotten she was baking cookies! Needless to say, the smell, the prospect, the sugar gets everyone out of that negative trance and racing for them cookies. And so Frasier, who is narrating this story to a caller on his radio show, gives out the following advice:

‘So Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them.  So don't look for them. Take a tip from our dog friends - treat yourself to your favourite toy, whatever that might be.’

For me that was Frasier. And then Greek MasterChef, which may sound like a cooking show but it is clearly a comedy. And then Conan clips. Oddly, it was not Breaking Bad. Maybe it had something to do with the emotional and ethical breakdown of everyone you know and love and the confusing, misplaced feelings of empathy. I mean he is a monster, why am I crying? I always thought dogs were superior beings, but I had never thought about this episode this way before, so I thought it might be something worth mentioning. In case anyone is looking for a freshly baked cookie. And while this post is clearly a filler due to lack of pop culture developments, I hope it is a pleasant two minute read. If only, for the picture of Eddie. Who is dead now. Which I had no reason to mention. But he is.

And here are a couple more cookie clips in case anyone wants a pick me up:

Frasier – Three Valentines

Clueless Gamer: Final Fantasy XVwith Elijah Wood – Conan on TBS

What Conan’s Been Up to Duringthe Writers Strike – ‘Late night with Conan O’Brien’

Fenton!

Stumbled onto my Failed Oscar Predictions

10/24.

Disaster. Let’s say 10/20, because honestly, I had no idea about either short films or documentaries. But, at best, my predictions were at chance level. Which pretty much means they were coincidental. Which pretty much means I’ve fallen behind in Breaking Bad (considering the series ended seven years ago, this delay is not so detrimental) and have postponed the last eight episodes of Bojack Horseman (which, on the other hand, is killing me) for nothing! I am none the wiser! I know it’s not a competition, but dammit I should have won. Here are the nominees for ‘my predictions were obviously not in line with the Academy’.

Writing (original screenplay)

In my previous blog, having not seen the Parasite, I had predicted Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (once again, OUT) would win in this category. But on the day, I did actually go for Parasite because it was an awesome screenplay that had everything. So I won. It was one of those great wins, where it felt like all the celebrity attendees were shifting in their seats and started thinking ‘maybe this will pull a Roma and get Best Director as well. But certainly not Best Picture’.

Writing (adapted screenplay)

This was probably the happiest I was all evening. Jojo Rabbit was my absolute favourite film and Taika Waititi should be accepting all the awards and giving all the speeches. Every time I am about to give up on comedic movies, someone dressed as Hitler shows up and changes my mind.

Visual effects

I don’t want to talk about it. But if we can’t protect the rightful winner, you’ll be damn sure we’ll avenge them.

Sound editing and mixing

I got one of the two right, the one for 1917, but I am not sure which one that was. And while part of me feels shame for taking credit for something I don’t even understand, another part of me also feels shame, but for getting so few of the Oscar categories right. And the second part of me feels greater shame. The unforeseen winner was Ford vs Ferrari, which was loud and, to my understanding, therefore deserved the award.

Short film(s)

So I didn’t get either of these right. I also found out that I had actually watched Kitbull and I found it very sweet. I have since watched the winner for short film animated, as promised, Hair Love, and it was beautiful. I am sure they all were. What could go wrong in such a short period of time? Were it three and a half hours long, I would be more hesitant. Yes, in case you are wondering, this is a subtle jab at The Irishman. Subtle, though, the big one is pending…

Production Design

I am still confused as to why 1917 didn’t win this one. Wasn’t this like a feat? Wasn’t this like an over-the-top achievement? So, OUT won, which I guess is okay. Like, no hard feelings. I’ll give out some of that Quentin love.

Music (original song)

I loved ‘Stand Up’ because that woman had pipes and I sort of danced to ‘I Can’t Let You Throw Yourself Away’ because that shit was catchy. But I don’t think the Academy could have done any differently, but give Elton John another Oscar for best original song. I bet it played at least once during his after-party.

Music (Original score)

Another one I got right! Joker won this fair and square. The music was befitting, memorable and all-around enjoyable. Even though I could enjoy this moment, I went and Googled Guardians of the Galaxy to see if they got this award back in the day. And they did not. I am trying to withhold my rage as these two instances are unrelated and focus on the first woman to win an Oscar in this category, focus on me who also won a point in our Oscar pool, and is a woman, and focus on the fact that Joker did not win Screenplay or Picture which would have let me throw myself away.

Makeup and Hair

It’s like I have purposefully put the ones I successfully predicted one after the other. The work on Charlize was phenomenal, maybe next time Scorcese can get these guys to work on Al Pacino’s face instead of CGI. I lost my visual effects argument as the Avengers didn’t win so now, make up is all I can mock them with.

International Feature Film

Predictable.

Film editing

Once again, Ford vs Ferrari came in out of nowhere and scooped up an Oscar. It was a respectable film that I foolishly overlooked in my bets for the Oscars. I think we all got blindsided by the promotion of 1917 as Sunday’s big winner that we thought of nothing else. And everything else won something.

Documentaries

American Factory (feature) and Learning to Skateboard In a Warzone (If You Are a Girl) (short). Maybe I’ll watch the Hollywood remakes with Cuba Gooding Jr, or Scuba Gouda as I very commonly pronounce his name. I am a bit of a Travolta, myself.

Costume Design

Woohoo, another win! I would like to thank the Academy and Greta Gerwig and whoever made the costumes. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Cinematography

Again, predictable. Also, Roger Deakins has amazing hair! If I could have hair like that when I am his age, I would be grateful. I would even ask for an Oscar. Also, 1917 deserved this; it was above all else, a great collaboration between the director and cinematographer and I guess he won an Oscar for both of them. Plus kudos to George McKay for running as much as he did; I didn’t know if I would have another opportunity to say that.

Animated Feature Film

Nostalgia trumps all! Toy Story 4 got best animated feature and reminded me to go hug my stuffed doggie the moment I got home. I used to have a Woody doll when I was a kid; I had written ‘Andy’ on the bottom of his boot because I don’t think I knew how to write my own name back then. I wasn’t a necessarily bright kid.

Actress in a Supporting Role

I am very upset. While Laura Dern gave a great performance, I can’t believe Scarlett Johansson didn’t win for that coal spread she pulled on her face. I know the previous sentence doesn’t make much sense out of context, but Scarlett was phenomenal in Jojo Rabbit is all you need to know. And should have won. Maybe she could have lent the Oscar to Dern for a couple of days.

Actress in a Leading Role

Again, I am very upset. Because once again Scarlett Johansson didn’t win for that mom bob she rocked throughout Marriage Story. However, I am mostly upset because another biopic, that nobody really cared for, won for featuring a much loved figured. Marriage Story deserved more, but maybe Noah Baumbuch caught an Oscarsnub-irus from Greta Gerwig. I might be wrong, considering I was wrong for most of these, but I believe history will reward Johansson’s performances during this Oscar season. But not next year, I don’t think she is getting a nomination for Black Widow.

Actor in a Supporting Role

And the Oscar goes to Brad Pitt’s speechwriter. They have worked very hard and delivered time and time again. I am not exaggerating; Brad Pitt had to publicly say he did not hire any speechwriters but simply got help from friends. Either way, the speeches were great, the performance was incredible and OUT got some well-deserved recognition. And so did Pitt, because I honestly think he is a really good actor that everyone kind of assumed had only made it based on his looks. Because the looks are also really good. Especially as of late. That jaw line. Have I side-tracked and just proved a point? Anyway, what I meant to say is that looks can be misleading. Someone can be both handsome, portray a peanut-butter-loving Death and hold their own opposite DiCaprio.

Actor in a Leading Role

You know how sometimes having a minority opinion makes you feel very strongly about something and blinds you to an extent? Consider me blinded. Joaquin Phoenix did an excellent job; he was captivating. He wasn’t the Joker, but an excellent psychotic clown regardless. I don’t like that he and Heath Ledger share the same award for the same role, but I am trying to be more open-minded. Next step, the Tony’s! He sang for ‘Walk the Line’, he danced for ‘Joker’, I am sure he will be cast in a musical sooner rather than later.

Directing

This is where things got tense. Will it be Sam Mendes, with his faux one shot movie? Everyone thought so. Will it be Scorcese, with his Mafia movie filled CV? People with greater patience than mine thought so. Will it be Tarantino, with his signature blend of splatter, comedy and feet? I think he thought so, that is why he promoted Bong Joon-Ho’s work without hesitation. Will it be Todd Phillips? Fuck no! If so, give it to Scorcese for the King of Comedy. Aaaaand it’s Parasite winning the second of the big awards, the indicators of Best Picture! Bong Joon-Ho gave a sweet speech, honoured his fellow nominees and probably sat unaware of the revolutionary announcement that was to come. I mean, he was only meant to get best International Film, wasn’t he?

Best Picture

 I still have muscle memory of how I reacted when Parasite was announced as the winner of Best Picture. My mouth was half open but attempting a smirk. I was something between surprised, intrigued and satisfied. Parasite deserved it; it was a brilliant story with well-executed characters, unexpected plot twists and a societal message. It was also a very visually unique motion picture. Of course it won! Of course we all thought a Hollywood movie would, but it’s nice to see they didn’t. It’s nice to impose that level of threat on the industry the very year a Hollywood homage was competing (don’t get me wrong, I loved said Hollywood homage). It’s nice to get some justice for Roma; another International Feature Film that should have won Best Picture. It’s nice to see a real socio-political commentary win rather than the Joker, who never decided what it was trying to say. It’s nice to see a two hour movie that felt ten times more relevant win instead of a product of a different time.

So that’s the last of my Oscars obsession. I will now go back where I belong; Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBO, Hulu, illegal streaming services and, soon enough, Disney+. And even though this is an opportunity to present myself as a cinephile, a calculated viewer with no ulterior motive, can I just point out that ‘The Irishman’ won nothing? Pity.

Stumbled onto an Oscar Marathon: My wishlist

It is that time of year. The time of year that I go to the cinema two times a week and adjust my sleeping schedule so I can pull through the Oscar’s ceremony. It is a wonderful time; Hollywood’s finest make beautiful movies for me to forget my troubles and at the same time stress out as I feel the need to watch all of them before February 9^th. And for some reason Parasite showtimes begin three days before the ceremony! How does the industry intend to fight movie piracy with these sorts of schedules? Anyway as so many have done before, I have decided to do my Oscar predictions/wishlist/unnecessary commentary. Because why should the fact that I am in no position to judge stop me when it hasn’t done so already?

Writing (original screenplay)

The fight is between Knives Out, Marriage Story, 1917, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (OUT, from now on) and Parasite. This moment in the post is when I realise that Jojo Rabbit is an adapted screenplay and I, therefore, care about this category a little bit less. Sure Knives Out was hilarious, Marriage Story was depressing, 1917 was wonderfully directed but I think the real fight is between American fun gore and Korean cinema. I am currently hoping for Tarantino’s love letter to Hollywood, just because I haven’t watched the other one. This may change tonight when I actually manage to watch Parasite. You don’t get this kind of well-founded predictions on Rotten Tomatoes.

Writing (adapted screenplay)

I won’t waste time writing out the nominations; it is essentially all the movies that are nominated but not in the original screenplay category. I also won’t spend time spelling them out because there is only one true winner and that is Jojo Rabbit. No other movie was as whole, as funny, heart breaking and significant. It is a shame I am not even mentioning the rest of the movies because they were quite good.

Visual effects

This is the category that will bring a bit of justice to the MCU. This is the award that will make Scorcese with his ridiculous (nominated) age technology look up at the Avengers: Endgame team and say ‘I should have hired these guys to make DeNiro 30 years younger for more than half the movie, for a movie that I could have, frankly, made 30 years ago and would then not need this technology. But instead, I preferred to have DeNiro kick another actor as if he didn’t have arthritis, when he so very obviously did’. I mean it’s not a great amount of justice, considering this is a technical award, but if I am being fair, even though I love my superheroes, it’s not as if they could have competed in any other categories. We’ll take what we can get.

Sound mixing

No idea what I am meant to be predicting here, so…1917? All these bomb sounds must have been hard to make. Is this what this award is about? I think I shouldn’t be writing this post at all.

Sound editing

Oh, maybe this is where the bomb sounds really matter. I don’t know, let’s say OUT, because I think it is a good acronym and I was looking forward to using it. Metacritic can eat my dust.

Short film (live action)

Don’t know. Saria’s poster looks nice. Let’s go with that. Nonetheless I will write all the names because I feel guilty, Brotherhood, NEfta Football Club, The Neighbours Widow and A Sister.

Short film (animated)

Again, as I am a shithead that hasn’t watched any of these because they are not part of my pop culture, let me make up for it by writing them up; Dcera, Hair Love, Kitbull, Memorable and Sister. I am going to blindly bet on Memorable or Dcera, because the posters did something for me. I promise to watch the winner.

Production Design

That should go to 1917, because it is obviously a feat to shoot this movie successfully. I think 1917 will definitely win in this category. Yes. I am confident it will. Am I betting money on it? No. Again, this is a very unintelligible post, nobody should bet money on anything written here.

Music (original song)

If the Frozen 2 song wins, I’ll be very pissed. It has been so many years since the first Frozen movie and we all still break into song whenever Let it Go is playing. I can’t hold it back anymore. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.

Music (Original score)

We have the Joker, Little Women, Marriage Story, 1917 and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. And the Emmy should go to Sex Education. I know, I know, I just wanted to comment on how good the music is in Season 2. But this is one category I would like to see the Joker win. Nice music, very fitting and Joaquin seemed to like it too; the man couldn’t stop dancing.

Makeup and Hair

Unpopular opinion: Bombshell. First of all, because I don’t think they will win anything else. Second of all, because I don’t know how they made Charlize Theron look like that without it being a period piece or without clown make up. And of course for John Lithgow’s annual fat suit.

International Feature Film

Corpus Christi, Honeyland, Les Miserables, Pain and Glory and Parasite. If there is one category that has an obvious winner, it is this one. It is not even worth speculating, Parasite will win. It would be fun to watch a foreign film win Best Picture as well, make up for Roma losing to Green Book last year.

Film editing

Once again I think this is an award for 1917. It looked like a single-shot film, the editing was seamless.

Documentary (short subject and feature)

I can’t even pretend. Leave a comment if you know anything about this.

Costume Design

I will chose Little Women, because I loved that movie and I realised I haven’t chosen it for anything else and I know Greta Gerwig is desperate for my approval.

Cinematography

We are getting closer and closer to the big ones. Once again this will be Roger Deakins and 1917. I would also like to see The Lighthouse win as it would be worthy of the title. That shit was haunting. Other honourable contenders that I don’t think stand a chance, however, are The Irishman, Joker and OUT. Acronym is still paying off.

Animated Feature Film

The good thing with this one is that Frozen 2 is not nominated for this category and it feels like, with animated movies, we will all be happy with whichever one wins. I am personally rooting for Toy Story 4, because the nostalgia manipulation works on me and I will always support the movies relating to my childhood.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Everyone says it will be Laura Dern. I mean she has won all the awards up to now. She was very good, very unlikeable; two very contradicting statements. But I really want Scarlett Johansson for Jojo Rabbit! Please, pretty please. I am sure Laura Dern won’t mind. I will stick to my guns and hope for Scarlett. She was all the things, the actor things. All of them.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Slam dunk. It has to be Brad Pitt. It will be. Tom Hanks is surely lovely in this movie I will not watch, Anthony Hopkins was a great Pope (in the sense that he was convincing), Al Pacino and Joe Pesci were also very good as expected (I could have done with less of them, though) but Brad Pitt and his abs were revolutionary. I forgot how cool Brad Pitt is, how funny, how organic and his acceptance speeches have been great, I could do with one more.

Actress in a Leading Role

Now, I don’t want to shock anyone when I say that I want Scarlett Johansson to win. If she wins for Jojo Rabbit I will take Renee Zelweger’s win less to heart. She might be good, but no way am I watching another biopic, especially one I don’t care about. I am happy she got the BAFTA just because we got that Bridget Jones remark from Hugh Grant. Well done, Jones, indeed. I am not giving up! Scarlett will walk out of that theatre with an Oscar, even if I have to run there, steal one and give it to her.

Actor in a Leading Role

This is another one which I know will disappoint me. I know, we all know, it will be Joaquin Phoenix. It’s not that he doesn’t deserve it; it’s mostly that it was so set up to go that way, so forced, so intense, such a clickbait. Whereas Adam Driver gave such a discreet, loving, desperate, broken performance. Jonathan Pryce, Robert DeNiro and Leonardo DiCaprio are honoured just to be nominated, of course. This is an excellence-packed year, I’ll give them that.

Directing

A quick recap. Italian Mafia guy, Guy from Hangover, British guy, Foot Fetish guy and Bong Joon Ho (I haven’t seen the movie, I don’t know what to call him yet). I think it will be Sam Mendes and well deserved, that was one impressive movie. I hate feet, but would still like to see their biggest fan go up on that stage. But ultimately, Sam Mendes did something very innovative and I think it will be him. Or Bong Joon Ho. I should have written this post literally six hours later, when I will have seen Parasite, I don’t know why I didn’t just wait.

And here it is…

Best Picture

The Holy Grail. The endgame (had to be done). Some of the already mentioned movies are competing, The Irishman, Jojo Rabbit, Joker, Little Women, Marriage Story, 1917, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and Parasite, with the addition of Ford vs. Ferrari. It won’t be Little Women, Marriage Story or Ford vs. Ferrari, although they were all enjoyable and well crafted. I am a reasonable fan; if it is either 1917,OUT or Parasite I will be pleased. If it is The Irishman I will just accept that my self-proclaimed ADHD prevented me from appreciating this three-and-a-half-hour illustrated audiobook. If it is Joker, I will repost my other blog where I become very explicit about all the things that bothered me, and yes that is a threat. For me, the movie that exceeded my already high expectations, the one I loved the most, the one that walked a fine line and came out the better end is Jojo Rabbit. I don’t think I have a single complaint. I laughed, I cried, it was such a relevant film, but such a fun film too. And lastly, I want to see Taika up on that stage for a very personal reason; I want Scorcese to sit there and watch one of the people that became world famous from the MCU, from a movie like Thor, get up on that stage and claim Best Picture. Won’t that be fun?

Okay this was long. If you are still with me and reading this I would like to apologise for a possible bias against The Irishman, I really am trying not to let it manifest. Hope the Oscars on Sunday are fun. If they are not, I will probably write about it.