Stumbled onto ‘Secret Delivery’: A Tik Tok inspired post

This is a bit unfair, because I was not the one who did the stumbling. I have not given in to the Tik Tok trend. I do not get how it’s different, I do not have an account and feel old enough already. Friends assure me that it is fun to watch those ADHD inducing short clips, but in all honesty, I have my plate full with Instagram, Twitter and YouTube and do not need another social media to distract me from my 12 books a year resolution (update: not going so well, but I am caught up with all the Pitch Meetings). A friend who does though, stumbled onto a Tik Tok video where friends send each other surprise food deliveries. I am assuming the original Tik Tokers were looking for ways to spice up their pandemic experience and, you know what, so are we. This is what a meal with friends is bound to look like for the next three weeks of lockdown, so we will imitate said Tik Tokers regardless of our inappropriate age. In our defence, we all share a love for food, and most importantly, unhealthy food, so I for one think we would have also come up with the idea eventually. And I will recognise the irony; the younglings made their idea public on Tik Tok and I am also making it public but on a blog, the senior form of unnecessary public exposure.

There are two ways to go about this; try as hard as you can to find something stomach-turning for your friends and risk getting ginger pickles with a side of steamed ginger yourself, or make some ground rules so everyone enjoys their meal. We ended up going for option number two. Maybe if the isolation really gets to us, we can try the other thing. So we settled on a budget and vetoed a bunch of foods. I like to think I was the easiest of the bunch, seeing as all others went as far as to put specific chicken parts in their veto lists, but I had my fair share of vetoes. I am trying hard to proclaim myself a foodie so I will spend this uninspired post explaining why the following vetoed items are the fabric of culinary nightmares.

First item, as you might have guessed, is ginger. I can take ginger in curries, broths and soups, as long as it is not the main thing that my taste buds have to deal with. Ginger in juices and desserts is an unwelcome abomination (unlike the other pleasant abominations we welcome with open arms) and whoever purposely contaminated all our lemonades with ginger ought to turn themselves in. You are hurting good people!

Okras have tried to change their image by calling themselves ‘Ladyfingers’, but we all know they are the same hairy, sperm-looking legumes that they always were. I know there is a whole generation that really likes okras, but these are the same people that voted Blake Shelton as the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ in 2017.

Next one is a bit of a shame, because I actually really like its taste but the rest of my psyche doesn’t appreciate it much. I love coffee and am now a regular drinker of its chemically saturated decaf version, but remain terrified of the real thing. Therefore, in order to protect mine and my friends’ sanity, coffee is off the list. Also, I don’t think it is a huge restraint considering not a lot of food features coffee.

The next one is a common favourite, but a real pain in my opinion. Pineapple. Sneaky pineapple. So pretty and refreshing, and yet so stinging! Please, someone back me up on this, it can’t only be me! It is very acidic and painful for the tongue! I am not even getting on the pineapple pizza debate, there is no argument in favour of pineapples there.

Fish roe is the next item on the list. Granted, I doubt I would be receiving anything with fish roe anyway. Junk is the direction I think we are going with. And last time I checked Five Guys did not include fish roe as a topping.

Tofu is a big no no, because of its indescribable, disgusting texture. I remember the first time I tried Tofu at an Asian food court in Singapore. I was nine. I was trusting and, up to that point, satisfied with all the new Asian delicacies I had been introduced to. And then tofu happened. I was scarred for life. I have given it other tries is miso soups and stir fries, but it feels like a cross between chewing gum and marshmallow and no matter how much soy sauce one adds, that is a sensation that cannot be overcome.

Also, while I appreciate most of the millennial additions to food trends, Goji berries has nothing on surplus avocado, frozen acai and chia seeds. Also, I am not sure how to spell Goji berries. Also, the term superfood is lame. Also, I am aware that there are other superfoods that I do like and am now dissing just because I don’t trust Goji berries. Also, Goji berries suck.

Another odd addition to the list is Gorgonzola. I don’t mind mouldy cheese. Stilton is great, Roquefort makes for excellent sauces and dips and feta is just too good to throw away. But Gorgonzola is just a step too mouldy. Some things were meant to die and decay without consumption. It is why vampires opt for living humans.

I thought I had pretty much rounded up my list, but worried that I might forget an odd ingredient that would ruin an otherwise exciting meal, I started googling take away menus from popular cuisines. And there it was, strutting as a pizza topping. Anchovies. Whoever thought that was a good idea? I am not even sure salmon or tuna would be good on pizza, and those are two of the good fish. I am with Ross Geller on this one, no anchovies on pizzas. A dilemma presents itself; what if I had to choose between pineapple and anchovies on a pizza? I am sad to say I would go for anchovies. Pineapple would possibly be better, but I cannot give any right to all you weirdos that see ‘ham’ and think ‘pineapple’.        

Next one is lamb. Because it is smelly.

This was all nice and good fun, but now for the dangerous one. Jalapenos. I can do with some spice, some chilly, some curry, tons of pepper, but this is just a step too far. And while I have not read so, I am sure people have died from jalapeno consumption. Some idiot would have done a challenge and burned a hole in their stomach. I think I mentioned no extremely spicy food in general. If I hadn’t, let me add it now; said friends are the only ones likely to read this in fear of being mentioned, anyway.

The next veto brings me great shame. I was meant to eat this as part of a lost bet and will someday! I mean it’s been four years that I have evaded my sentence, but I am a woman of my word! Or will be eventually. I curse the day that bubble gum flavour was invented. And I suspect it was a five year old that thought of it and some weak parent that gave in and allowed for its creation. If we trusted the judgement of five year olds, do you think we would have come up with truffle parmesan fries?

No black or green tea, once again for caffeine purposes. It is a wonder how I am even awake during the day. And perhaps a good explanation of why I’d rather be asleep at any given time. Like right now. I’d rather be sleeping. This is not an exhilarating topic to blog about anyway. I could have written about Zack Snyder posting dark and scary Joker photos for Justice League, but I don’t want this blog to revolve around a single topic. So you are getting this inspired food list instead.     

Ι don’t know who needs to hear this but intestines and internal organs are an unsafe choice for surprise deliveries. Being from Greece, I actually will eat these under the right circumstances, but these circumstances involve my Mommy making sure that everything is clean and extensively cooked.

Last one, you have made it this far. Pure fat. Including lard. I tried your poutine and I think it’s over rated. Fat is a good addition, it’s a good supporting cast, but not a good lead. You wouldn’t watch a show where a piece of goose fat started off as a chemistry teacher and ended up as a drug lord.

Is there even a point in admitting that I had no passable ideas for this week’s post? And therefore took full advantage of mine and my friends’ endeavors? Do I even need to underline my level of procrastination that even though this a simple activity where we will log on to Deliveroo and order something tasty and deep-fried, I managed to stretch it out so much? I googled food menus just to think of vetoes! I am never getting a PhD, am I?