Stumbled onto adverse weather conditions, otherwise known as SNOOOOOW!

 

You know how the most generic and uninteresting topic of covnersation is the weather? Well, this is a post about the weather! Feel free to quit your reading, unless you are a Captain Holt-like figure and the only thing you’d enjoy more than reading about the weather, is visiting a museum for barrels. The weather has become a much saucier topic as of late; some say it’s because of dangerous global warming, some say its spicy Jewish space lasers (or however US congresswoman Greene calls lightning nowadays) and some say its enigmatic, fake, plastic snow (the brand new addition to the weather conspiracy genre). Who knows what it may be? Let’s look at it this way; which one of these is more fun?

Greece is a warm country; warm enough that it has rendered a large amount of my clothes from England useless. I try to wear them as much as I can; thankfully my attic of residence is freezing and I make good use of my pashminas as blankets. And let’s be honest, they are much more functional as blankets. And while we had all given up on a proper winter with a ‘frightful weather’ and a ‘delightful fire’, we all indeed had no place to go and so a week ago we let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. It was freezing and wet and obstructive and perfect in every way. I love the snow, it does to the scenery what a beard does to male faces. It makes everything look a bit more charming and laid back. Also, this was the perfect time to have a nephew under four years of age, because he could somewhat match my excitement, and a newfoundland, because she certainly surpassed my excitement. I say ‘somewhat’ for my nephew because, unlike me, he did not appreciate the outfit he had to wear. Those days of snow were educational too; I found out I do not know how to make a proper snowman. You know, the three perfectly round balls in descending order, a carrot nose that actually stays in place and cheery tree branches that don’t look like the snowman is begging for the sweet relief of death. Snow came at a great time as well; lockdown has made it much harder to post compelling Instagram posts. Honestly, I think we all felt refreshed with this new element in our lives for a couple of days. That is, all that still had electricity. Greece is not very well prepared for such events and I think we currently have lasting damage because of the snow. But that’s the beauty of it; you can’t stay mad at the snow the way you would at a flood or hurricane.

The snow lasted for a couple of days and I was expecting a slow and steady return to normal temperatures. I kept my coat out, I made the manufacturer-approved use of the car’s glove compartment for the first time in my life and I prioritised my normal December-London clothing. And of course, it took no more than three days for the weather to be inappropriately warm again! In a period of a week we went from snow and hot chocolate to sun and cold brews. I mean, others did, I drink warm tea well into summer. It would all be good fun if there wasn’t a deadly virus on the rise and the cold we are all bound to catch from these unpredictable circumstances wouldn’t throw me in a state of panic every morning when I wake up with a bit of a blocked nose.

[Pause to check that I can hold my breath for ten seconds. Is that an outdated way to check for Covid?]

While this, for some, is clear evidence of global warming and the need to change our humanly flawed ways, some geniuses in Texas decided that the snow must be fake. Apparently some people were baffled by its reluctance to melt at contact, regardless of basic physics and the freezing temperature. Both elitist measures, I suppose. They started talking of fake plastic snow, put in place by the government to scare us into believing in global warming and once again blamed it on Bill Gates. It is interesting that they say those prone to conspiracy theories are less educated; were they more educated they could come up with a couple more people of science to blame fake snow with. What I was unaware of until a couple of days ago, though, is that Greece had also followed suit and decided our snow was fake too. And this is where I say, how dare you? Snow is a gift, snowballs are smaller gifts we give (throw, really) to one another and snowmen are, well, abominations but we still enjoy making them! Also, fake snow exists! It looks like shaving foam and is disgusting to touch. Real fake snow (that sentence hurt my head) would be a valid source of complaints. But otherwise, if the government wants to upgrade fake snow and drop it every year around Christmas, I’m all for it.

We are back to our normal, warm, sunny days that make lockdown all the more frustrating. Parks in Athens have never before been as busy and appreciated. I wasn’t even aware we had so many. I know the weather is boring, but I am just feeling a bit extra grateful today for being where I am during a pandemic. This is because I am comparing it to a tiny flat in a very wet London. This all makes perfect sense to me. You on the other hand, if you have read this far, probably just have a weird weather fetish.

Stumbled onto ‘Cruella’

 

De Vil. The most villainous of villains in 2021. I mean who dreams of real fur, let alone made from adorable Dalmatian puppies? On the other hand, seeing as one family has ended up with 101 of said puppies, it might be that Dalmatians are overpopulating the earth and Cruella was sort of acting within the rights of hunting season to protect the ecosystem. Being ethically conscious can be confusing; should we start murdering puppies?

Cruella is Disney’s latest trailer for a remake. Disney is making live action films out of everything nostalgic, with creative twists that have not necessarily gone well. Mulan was such an attempt, where the live action film stripped the original of all its fun and Eddie Murphy-ness and opted for a traditionally accurate narration of Mulan’s tale that doesn’t belong to the Disney Classics volume. Don’t they know we all primarily watch the movie for the ‘Be a Man’ soundtrack? Then come the origin stories. They made one for Maleficent, which even got a sequel (I am very unsure how that even works) with Angelina Jolie’s beautiful, accentuated cheekbones. And that was one of the most unnecessary movies ever. From what I remember, she loved the king, he broke up with her so she cursed his daughter to die young, but then spent time with the daughter and changed her mind about the murdering and therefore renounced her title of ‘Craziest Ex-Girlfriend to Feature in a Children’s Tale’. There was also another strange bit, where, as in the original, she included a clause about true love breaking the curse, but this time round instead of the love interest, Prince Charming I suppose, she was the one with the magic kiss. The Godmother (yes, this time round she was also the Godmother). We are straight up prepping children for toxic relationships it seems. Twilight be damned; get them when they are young. I have no idea what happens in the prequel-sequel, as Sleeping Beauty (or Aurora) has already been born, raised, stung, essentially chloroformed and resurrected by an unconsented romantic action from a trusted family member by the end of the first prequel.

I have a theory about why Maleficent was not salvaged by Angelina Jolie’s beautiful eyes, lips, perfectly squared face etc (I have a girl-crush, so what?). It is because they tried to give a backstory to a villain that was created with no backstory in mind. She was made to be pure evil, with no justification, so no justification could make her less evil. She wanted a baby dead; she didn’t find out she had cancer and wanted to financially ensure her family during the cancer treatment and after her possible death. So no, I don’t care if the king was a dick; she is not redeemed.

Same with Cruella, is what I am getting at. Three paragraphs in. I do not know that we need a backstory. Consider that Maleficent didn’t work, even though we have all thought of killing babies on long transatlantic flights; nobody has ever thought to kill a puppy. Their barks are just so much more suited for the human ear. I hope they will not try to justify De Ville’s killing motives, because that is a lost cause, but instead show her decay into madness with a bit of welcome, vaudeville essence. I love Emma Stone and she looks great in the trailer, but there was just a tiny bit of resemblance with 2016’s ‘Suicide Squad’ Harley Quinn aesthetic too. So, do we need this? Did we need that? Bear in mind this is like Disney copying the DCEU, copying the MCU. IS ZACK SNYDER DIRECTING THIS?

Origin stories seem like a good idea that keeps failing, even when we, the audience, were begging for them. Wolverine’s origin story was ridiculous, which we all thought could not happen as long as Hugh Jackman said the word ‘Bub’ once in a while. The Joker’s origin story was dramatic and juvenile, which I understand is not a universal opinion, but as ruler of this blog I declare it so. Kung Island, Catwoman, Prometheus, Dracula Untold, The Mummy; I don’t know that we need to follow all these villains’ backstories and it does not seem to work as a formula. Not in Hollywood blockbuster capacity anyway. Let’s spend some time marvelling over my apparent epiphany, before realising that this is a selective list of villains’ origin stories that went bad to prove my point. It was good while it lasted, wasn’t it? Also, for those that will come after me for including Wolverine in an otherwise villainous list, bear in mind that Wolverine was originally introduced as a villain in the X-Men comics sent by Magneto in an undercover mission to assassinate Xavier. In one of the storyline anyways. He was just too awesome a character to be a mere pawn in a mutant chess match.

I know antiheroes are all the rage, and they are so much more interesting than good, ethical knights in white armour, but they can’t be necessarily squeezed out of traditional, and let’s face it, oversimplified stories that had a single, straightforward point for little kids to understand. I am not saying it’s not worth a try, but original, complex storytelling seems like a better way to go. You will notice that the aforementioned (subtly so) Walter White storyline was not the origin story of Hades from Disney’s Hercules, even if they are both bald and sexy.

Cruella is another trailer I have drawn too many, unjustified conclusions from, coming to an end. But honestly, don’t we all feel that Disney is better off with original stories? Hell, even Frozen.

Stumbled onto ‘Secret Delivery’: A Tik Tok inspired post

This is a bit unfair, because I was not the one who did the stumbling. I have not given in to the Tik Tok trend. I do not get how it’s different, I do not have an account and feel old enough already. Friends assure me that it is fun to watch those ADHD inducing short clips, but in all honesty, I have my plate full with Instagram, Twitter and YouTube and do not need another social media to distract me from my 12 books a year resolution (update: not going so well, but I am caught up with all the Pitch Meetings). A friend who does though, stumbled onto a Tik Tok video where friends send each other surprise food deliveries. I am assuming the original Tik Tokers were looking for ways to spice up their pandemic experience and, you know what, so are we. This is what a meal with friends is bound to look like for the next three weeks of lockdown, so we will imitate said Tik Tokers regardless of our inappropriate age. In our defence, we all share a love for food, and most importantly, unhealthy food, so I for one think we would have also come up with the idea eventually. And I will recognise the irony; the younglings made their idea public on Tik Tok and I am also making it public but on a blog, the senior form of unnecessary public exposure.

There are two ways to go about this; try as hard as you can to find something stomach-turning for your friends and risk getting ginger pickles with a side of steamed ginger yourself, or make some ground rules so everyone enjoys their meal. We ended up going for option number two. Maybe if the isolation really gets to us, we can try the other thing. So we settled on a budget and vetoed a bunch of foods. I like to think I was the easiest of the bunch, seeing as all others went as far as to put specific chicken parts in their veto lists, but I had my fair share of vetoes. I am trying hard to proclaim myself a foodie so I will spend this uninspired post explaining why the following vetoed items are the fabric of culinary nightmares.

First item, as you might have guessed, is ginger. I can take ginger in curries, broths and soups, as long as it is not the main thing that my taste buds have to deal with. Ginger in juices and desserts is an unwelcome abomination (unlike the other pleasant abominations we welcome with open arms) and whoever purposely contaminated all our lemonades with ginger ought to turn themselves in. You are hurting good people!

Okras have tried to change their image by calling themselves ‘Ladyfingers’, but we all know they are the same hairy, sperm-looking legumes that they always were. I know there is a whole generation that really likes okras, but these are the same people that voted Blake Shelton as the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ in 2017.

Next one is a bit of a shame, because I actually really like its taste but the rest of my psyche doesn’t appreciate it much. I love coffee and am now a regular drinker of its chemically saturated decaf version, but remain terrified of the real thing. Therefore, in order to protect mine and my friends’ sanity, coffee is off the list. Also, I don’t think it is a huge restraint considering not a lot of food features coffee.

The next one is a common favourite, but a real pain in my opinion. Pineapple. Sneaky pineapple. So pretty and refreshing, and yet so stinging! Please, someone back me up on this, it can’t only be me! It is very acidic and painful for the tongue! I am not even getting on the pineapple pizza debate, there is no argument in favour of pineapples there.

Fish roe is the next item on the list. Granted, I doubt I would be receiving anything with fish roe anyway. Junk is the direction I think we are going with. And last time I checked Five Guys did not include fish roe as a topping.

Tofu is a big no no, because of its indescribable, disgusting texture. I remember the first time I tried Tofu at an Asian food court in Singapore. I was nine. I was trusting and, up to that point, satisfied with all the new Asian delicacies I had been introduced to. And then tofu happened. I was scarred for life. I have given it other tries is miso soups and stir fries, but it feels like a cross between chewing gum and marshmallow and no matter how much soy sauce one adds, that is a sensation that cannot be overcome.

Also, while I appreciate most of the millennial additions to food trends, Goji berries has nothing on surplus avocado, frozen acai and chia seeds. Also, I am not sure how to spell Goji berries. Also, the term superfood is lame. Also, I am aware that there are other superfoods that I do like and am now dissing just because I don’t trust Goji berries. Also, Goji berries suck.

Another odd addition to the list is Gorgonzola. I don’t mind mouldy cheese. Stilton is great, Roquefort makes for excellent sauces and dips and feta is just too good to throw away. But Gorgonzola is just a step too mouldy. Some things were meant to die and decay without consumption. It is why vampires opt for living humans.

I thought I had pretty much rounded up my list, but worried that I might forget an odd ingredient that would ruin an otherwise exciting meal, I started googling take away menus from popular cuisines. And there it was, strutting as a pizza topping. Anchovies. Whoever thought that was a good idea? I am not even sure salmon or tuna would be good on pizza, and those are two of the good fish. I am with Ross Geller on this one, no anchovies on pizzas. A dilemma presents itself; what if I had to choose between pineapple and anchovies on a pizza? I am sad to say I would go for anchovies. Pineapple would possibly be better, but I cannot give any right to all you weirdos that see ‘ham’ and think ‘pineapple’.        

Next one is lamb. Because it is smelly.

This was all nice and good fun, but now for the dangerous one. Jalapenos. I can do with some spice, some chilly, some curry, tons of pepper, but this is just a step too far. And while I have not read so, I am sure people have died from jalapeno consumption. Some idiot would have done a challenge and burned a hole in their stomach. I think I mentioned no extremely spicy food in general. If I hadn’t, let me add it now; said friends are the only ones likely to read this in fear of being mentioned, anyway.

The next veto brings me great shame. I was meant to eat this as part of a lost bet and will someday! I mean it’s been four years that I have evaded my sentence, but I am a woman of my word! Or will be eventually. I curse the day that bubble gum flavour was invented. And I suspect it was a five year old that thought of it and some weak parent that gave in and allowed for its creation. If we trusted the judgement of five year olds, do you think we would have come up with truffle parmesan fries?

No black or green tea, once again for caffeine purposes. It is a wonder how I am even awake during the day. And perhaps a good explanation of why I’d rather be asleep at any given time. Like right now. I’d rather be sleeping. This is not an exhilarating topic to blog about anyway. I could have written about Zack Snyder posting dark and scary Joker photos for Justice League, but I don’t want this blog to revolve around a single topic. So you are getting this inspired food list instead.     

Ι don’t know who needs to hear this but intestines and internal organs are an unsafe choice for surprise deliveries. Being from Greece, I actually will eat these under the right circumstances, but these circumstances involve my Mommy making sure that everything is clean and extensively cooked.

Last one, you have made it this far. Pure fat. Including lard. I tried your poutine and I think it’s over rated. Fat is a good addition, it’s a good supporting cast, but not a good lead. You wouldn’t watch a show where a piece of goose fat started off as a chemistry teacher and ended up as a drug lord.

Is there even a point in admitting that I had no passable ideas for this week’s post? And therefore took full advantage of mine and my friends’ endeavors? Do I even need to underline my level of procrastination that even though this a simple activity where we will log on to Deliveroo and order something tasty and deep-fried, I managed to stretch it out so much? I googled food menus just to think of vetoes! I am never getting a PhD, am I?