Stumbled onto 2021: New Year’s Resolutions

 

‘Stumbled onto 2021’ is the most appropriate title for this post, considering the current global situation. I know we are all in a rush for 2021, but God knows we are in no form to run or walk towards it. We will be lucky if we get there in one piece. I haven’t done too many of these lists, I like to think; I did one for when I turned 25 because it felt like a landmark at the time. It wasn’t. Everything was pretty much similar to 24. However, I am hoping to follow through with this list and this doubles as a future retrospective post for when I have once again run out of ideas. So perhaps my first new year’s resolution is to adopt a more practical tactical brilliance and I can cross it off the list immediately.

Reduce the ‘Hamilton’

I made the mistake of watching Hamilton in July, when it premiered on Disney plus. Yes, a mistake! I know it is amazing; the music, the story, the visuals, the characters, the performances. It is spotless. But also, addictive. We are a group of four friends, let me rephrase that, ENABLERS, that will drop Hamilton references into every conversation, break into song with every opportunity and cry unprompted when people count from one to ten in French. And worst part about it is the breaking into song, because Hamilton, in case you weren’t aware, is a hip-hop musical. And we are white girls that cannot rap. But we don’t let that stop us from attempting Guns and Ships in 0.0025 the speed. It’s been almost six months that I have hardly listened to any music other than Hamilton, scored in the top 15% of their listeners on Spotify and I wasn’t even the highest one of the bunch. This is the moment for this Hamilton obsession to end. Scratch that, this is not a moment, it’s a movement. Oh, crap.

Get a PhD

This may sound like an overly optimistic resolution in general, but I am three and a half years in and ready to burst. I need to move on. But for this plan to succeed, there is something else I need. I need to get the fancy piece of paper that will restitute my time, sanity and honour. Problem is, ideally that fancy piece of paper would lead to a job that would once again revolve around a topic I no longer want to look at, but if push comes to shove I will use it as nothing more than a handkerchief for my tears. Either way, it will not go to waste. In other words, for the new year, I can hope to ignore this blog, TV shows, YouTube and joy in general (Lord, show me how to say no to these) and focus on my good friends, Microsoft Word, SPSS and Matlab. I don’t know why I put a resolution doomed to fail so high up on the list.

Stop ignoring my alarm clock

I am an anxious person. Anxiety is my fuel. Unfortunately, that has one downside. Okay, that has a million downsides, but the one I am preoccupied with at this moment is that in absence of an anxiety provoking factor, I will snooze a couple of times, eventually shut off my alarm clock and lie in wait, falling behind and running late. And there’s a million things I haven’t done, hours to take advantage of, resolutions to… resolute. It’s not even a case of being sleep deprived; I sleep for seven or eight hours for energy restoration and the continue sleeping recreationally. And then my back hurts, that is how much I sleep.

Do a whole vegan month

I have managed a vegan diet for a maximum of 22 days. I think it is high time I add the extra eight days to that number and have a whole month of regular poop. Because that’s what happens when you are a vegan. You poop. And if you don’t know, now you know. Veganism is a difficult task for me, being young, scrappy and hungry, but I like my vegan months; they work well as a detox and they also effectively spice up my diet. I am now a regular consumer of dark chocolate, which I wasn’t, and frequently snack on green apples with peanut butter, which I didn’t. It also very effectively confuses my dad, which is fun, if anything, to watch. Never have I ever seen a man so embarrassed to bring his daughter to a steakhouse and have her eat couscous and mushrooms. NO CHEESE. Left him with nothing but ruined pride, something new inside.

Allow myself to leave a series incomplete

A series of books, as of late. I started reading the ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy in order to watch the corresponding BBC series. They are a very nice collection of books. If you are a teenager. If you have come of age with young Lyra. If you are an adult catching up on Pullman’s cultural effect, it is impossible to follow. The plan was to read a total of three books, the work divided evenly among the three summer months. In the end, I read two books in the span of six months (this reference is so subtle, it leans more towards plagiarism). The reason it has taken so long is that I have abandoned reading as a result of this painfully obvious religious allegory. And friends who care for me have instructed me to let it go. As a gesture. And perhaps then I can let other things go. Like a sunblock that has accidentally been infused with sand, or a movie like Seven Years in Tibet, when it becomes apparent that Brad Pitt’s blue eyes can make a movie only so interesting. This resolution is mostly a leeway to my next new year’s resolution; I want to read at least twelve books throughout the year. And I am not throwing away my shot.

Read at least twelve books

None of which will be ‘The Amber Spyglass’. But I won’t name the rest. I will keep all my plans close to my chest and see which way the wind will blow.

Catch up on my podcasts

Lockdown has taken a toll on everyone. In my case, I have seriously fallen behind on my podcasts. And I love my podcasts; they are my largest supply of Conan O’Brien and fun facts to annoy my friends with. And a good way to distance myself from the musical that shall not be named. I would listen to podcasts in one of two occasions; either when I was travelling places or running on the treadmill. Obviously, lockdown has interfered with both as we are not allowed to travel anywhere much and I have lost the will to act. I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory.

Seriously, reduce the Hamilton

If this post is any indication, the situation is fraught, I need to be carefully taught. Oh, not again. I am helpless.

Stumbled onto a bunch of cooking channels

Lockdown is still in place here in Greece. This means that the things that bring me joy have been limited to series, reality shows, comedy specials, not washing my hair for about a week and food. So let me waste some time on each of these other things and eventually get to food and hence the channels.

I am working my way through Better Call Saul, reminding myself why Vince Gilligan is probably responsible for at least 0.04% of those suffering from Stockholm syndrome. Anti-heroes were never before that loveable, unless they were sexy, And Bob Odenkirk is many things, but he is not sexy. Not unless I have watched six episodes straight and have not been wearing my glasses and, you know, haven’t seen a human male in the flesh for a while. I hope they have clued in whoever cast him for ‘Nobody’ that we are not down for an ab-defined topless Bob Odenkirk scene. Please.

Reality shows are mentioned just in time, as tonight is the show finale for Greece’s Next Top Model. Therefore I will be done with that reprehensible pastime. You know, until Master Chef premieres in 2021. I always go into watching these shows with a cool, dissociated attitude, mocking the process and ‘watching for the cringe factor’. But I am so invested in the show right now, it’s not even funny. I express my rage on Twitter, I drink herbal tea to get over the fact that the judges are biased and just eliminated the most worthy of contestants. I even shush my friends’ sarcastic comments’ even though that is the supposed reason we would watch the show in the first place; this is serious business now.

Comedy specials are the one thing that have rightfully pushed me through this mundane lockdown. Not much to talk about here; I have fallen back in a James Acaster pit hole after being reminded of ‘Taskmaster’, ready to pay good money to watch his live show online. Give me a ginger, tall man that can recite a joke or two and chances are I will stay glued to my screen, never go out and therefore never catch Covid. Unless they produce a hilarious talk show Podcast about needing a friend, I can listen to on the go; then I cannot promise much.

Here is the possibly wrongfully labelled ‘pastime’, as I am not sure that NOT doing something can be considered one. But I guess if you don’t buy a scarf and therefore make it yourself, knitting becomes a hobby itself. Not washing your hair is not just a sign of laziness; it’s not the easy way out. There’s dry shampoo involved and coming up with poor excuses about why your hair roots have literally changed colour and actively avoiding scratching your very, very itchy head. There’s much effort involved. But it’s all worth it; because then you don’t have to use a blow-dryer.

And finally, food. I love food and didn’t realise just how much until I tried to cut down on it. The tasty food, anyway. I have been eating so much fruit and cucumber as of late, I have almost forgotten what bacon tastes like. I say almost, because if I shut my eyes and focus really hard I can almost taste it from memory. But for some reason I also find it very relaxing to masochistically watch other people cook butter-based meals and eat them in from of a camera. Because let’s be honest, that is the most accurate description of cooking channels on YouTube. I have consumed so many recipes that I do not remember or plan to reproduce; I just watch the ingredients stride from one end of the screen to another, not even necessarily decoding what it is I am watching. Is it a cake? Is it a steak? Is it a soup? Couldn’t tell you if I tried. Those videos are truly wasted on me. I hope I am not the only one that passively consumes these cooking channels as a way to unload. Surely. Tasty is too popular for all its viewers to actually engage with the material.

I have come to some realisations after watching Babbish and Joshua Weissman on their very tasty-looking culinary endeavors. The answer to most cooking troubles is butter. Essentially they use shitloads of it and if we all cooked like they do in our everyday life, the dairy industry would run out of cows. And hospitals would run out of defibrillators. Both equally detrimental. Essentially when a recipe requires butter it requires all the butter, when it requires eggs it requires a coup’s worth, when it requires cheese it requires a bucket of it and when it requires any other ingredient, well, it’s just a decoy for more butter. I don’t doubt its effectiveness; adding butter in anything makes it better. But butter quantity in tasty foods seems to be one of those things that is best left unseen. Ready-to-eat is not more healthy, but definitely less stressful. Awareness is not always a pleasure.

There is still hope that one day I will put all this knowledge I’ve received through osmosis to good use and actually make that over-the-top mac and cheese, or overly gooey chocolate chip cookies. I mean it’s lockdown and Better Call Saul is only five seasons long, I might as well. However, it remains most likely I’ll keep on watching butter be stirred and cheese be topped and chocolate be grated than actually do it myself. And if my masochism gives way and I decide to indulge in something tasty of that sort, I’ll probably order it.

Stumbled onto Black Friday during lockdown

 

Quarantine has generally been a time for numerous, possibly useless online sales for me. I say possibly because I don’t see a reason I won’t be able to wear my new All Saints dress to the local grocery store once quarantine is over. Or why my new lipsticks wouldn’t show, just because I’ll be wearing a face mask on top. I think as a society, we have grown beyond mere eyesight and can sense other people’s make up. I imagine we were all pretty bored and looking forward to some sales event and some new, affordable additions to our households to revive this stale feeling of purposeless existence. Too dark? However, here is how the lockdown made this Black Friday interesting to me. I found myself unable to assess what I needed and allowed myself to obsess over price fluctuations for way too long.

I suspect this won’t be relatable to everyone. I know there are busier people than me and much more able to prioritise. Nonetheless I did do everything wrong and felt I should share. Let this be proof as to why I am not the best gift buyer. There were two things I needed; a new coffee maker and a new set of glasses. There were two things I wanted; a liquid blush and a new TV. Instead, I bought some new clothes and make up that in no way can be applied on the cheeks.

I will begin with the situation regarding the TV. My current TV is actually 15 years old. She was an excellent purchase back in the day (yes, it’s a she) by my older brother and I remember, as a youngster, being in awe of the quality, the size, those funky backscreen lights it had. Also, my brother is a tech wizard and had managed to connect this TV with the room’s PC through two different adaptors, which might be less convenient than directly signing into your Netflix account on the TV itself, but not that much of a bother. Things were going great; I had even failed to notice that you can practically see the edges of each pixel on the screen and the funky, accompanying lights had settled for a permanent, boring yellow hue. But then the somewhat younger PC died unexpectedly. Okay, expectedly, because it might have been younger, yes, but was still quite old. I certainly didn’t expect it because, as we have established, my assessments are terrible, but no one else was surprised. The current problem is this TV is old enough that about four generations of adaptors are needed to connect her to my laptop. I decided this Black Friday was my best chance to replace it. And then, I set up an impossible equation. I decided to find the largest possible size for my furniture, with the absolutely most recent technology, from a brand I know and trust, all under 200 euros. And obsessed over it for the duration of the sales. Obviously, this economic angel does not exist and my trusted 2005 Philips will remain in my care until November 2021. Along with its external digital receiver. It’s all very retro.

There isn’t much to my make up purchases, other than they are certainly redundant, regardless of the lockdown. I surely have enough of it, even though it never feels like it. And I certainly won’t be wearing it anywhere any time soon. Although I do have some epiphanies where I paint my whole face, dress up, lie on the couch and discuss the second season of ‘Succession’ with Baymax. However, as a rightful victim to capitalism, I want to try anything that sounds like something I don’t already own. And I know I do not own a liquid blush. But the make up industry is such a black hole that I ended up with new lipsticks, lip balms, brow products and skincare and my new blush craze sort of evaded my Sephora basket. Maybe it’s for the best, maybe it would be good for me to simply dream about a fresh, rosy cheek that can be achieved with products already in my possession, but won’t; if nothing else, as a reminder of this unfair omission of mine. Glasses I never even looked at, I think I have grown used to this humbling fuzziness that shows up when I stare at my screen for too long. Plus I can claim that any spelling or syntax mistake in my blog posts are due to increased short sightedness that has remained unaccounted for. In all honesty, I have minimum short-sightedness; I should just look away from the screen every 45 minutes and I’ll be fine.

I did, however, get the new coffee maker. It is a beauty. It is red. That’s it, really, that is its only redeeming feature. That and it makes coffee without the need for manual labour. Simple enough, and therefore cheap enough. But no, nothing was simple anymore. By now, I was starting to feel that I hadn’t taken enough advantage of this opportunity. I wanted to make sure I made the most out of this Black Friday. So, while this coffee maker was about thirty euros worth, less than the aforementioned unwearable All Saints dress, I wanted to get it cheaper. I checked the site every day. There was a discount alright, but I just felt like they could do more. I thought I’d wait it out, cheat the electronics store and wait until the very end for my purchase. I would squint my eyes to the screen like a cowboy, defying it to make the first move. Until it did and posted the ‘Limited stock’ tag. I have never made a purchase that quick. I folded. I yielded. I embarrassed myself. But I did get three extra euros off, and if that doesn’t count as a Black Friday triumph, I don’t know what does.

Please do not see this post as a sales guide. Do not see this post as an indicator of December content. Hopefully, it won’t be. See this post as it is; proof of my decay into MADNESS! I feel like we have learnt all we can from Covid and now it officially needs to stop. We all took up meditation, we learnt to appreciate the little things, we all watched Tiger King, we all started and abandoned a YouTube workout at home, some of us started eating healthy (which is disgusting), sleeping better, we saw our carbon footprint and how we have been suffocating nature. Lesson learnt. Can we go out now?