Stumbled onto QAnon… extensively

 

Is anyone else getting most of their entertainment from the US presidential race? I mean, Larry David couldn’t write absurd situations like this if he tried. This will not be much about politics, as I doubt I have the knowledge to disentangle and analyse the current climate. I mean I don’t understand how people are still considering voting for Trump, unless they are worried about the furniture of their children. But I am entertained. My morning routine is basically hate-watching Trump videos and hate-reading tweets and then resorting to my happy place; Colbert’s monologue and Myers’ Closer Look. Despite another Late Night hiatus this week (are these getting more frequent, or is it just me?), last night consisted of another presidential debate and another refusal from Trump to denounce an extremist organisation that supports him. This time round it was QAnon. I sort of had heard of QAnon this year, once about Chrissy Tiegen being part of a child sex-ring and once claiming the same for Tom Hanks. Now, I get that most Trump supporters dislike Tiegen, a vocal judge of the current administration, but did QAnon really think they could turn people, even Trump supporters, against Tom Hanks? He must be the most beloved man on earth. And there is, like, 40 years of evidence that this he is rightfully so.

Let me quickly go through what QAnon is. It is a conspiracy theory that originated from 4chan (the internet’s toilet) in 2017 claiming that Hollywood elites and other rich individuals are part of a Satanist paedophilic cabal running a global child sex-trafficking ring and controlling the whole world. This is brilliant as it is; you don’t need much more imagination for a successful conspiracy. If you want to say the left is evil, make sure they are all the evils; they worship Satan, they are paedophiles and human traffickers, and they probably put pineapple on pizza for all we know. This particular conspiracy theory, however, decided to take things one step further and knight Trump as the earth’s saviour from sin and wrongdoing. Trump. The ‘spank-me-with-a-picture-of-my-face’ president. See, according to QAnon, Trump is planning ‘The Storm’, a day of reckoning, a day where thousands of this cabal will be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay. Trump will bring piece, salvation and utopia, you know, as he has done thus far. The ‘individual’ known as Q has since asked his followers to take a ‘digital soldier oath’ on Twitter. After all, all meaningful fights for humanity were materialised through hashtags and proud digital soldiers. My question is this; what are these digital soldiers’ roles in the upcoming apocalypse? Will they form a protective shield against Satan when he defends his disciples? Will they carry Trump on their backs all the way to Hollywood to bring about his mission? Will they be manning the hashtags on Twitter?

This all seemed like the perfect joke, no additions necessary. I mean, all anyone can do is laugh, but interestingly enough these core claims are not the funniest of the lot. Let me go through a few of my favourite peripheral claims.

First of all, the predecessor of this conspiracy theory is called ‘Pizzagate’. Such a waste of a good name. This is again about Democrats’ satanic sex rings and child trafficking, but this time operating from a Pizza restaurant, Comet Ping Pong. This is the best paragraph I have ever written on this blog; it is a paragraph about a conspiracy theory containing the words ‘Pizzagate’ and ‘Comet Ping Pong’. However, it is not necessarily funny when you consider the death threats this particular restaurant has faced, along with nearby restaurants such as Besta Pizza and other non-restaurant businesses. But it is funny to imagine a stereotypical cook with a thick Italian accent expecting a list of pizza toppings; ‘No, we are all out of the Diabolo pizza, pepperoni only’.

Next, you would have thought the Russian investigation would have discouraged the proud American far right from crowning Trump as their saviour, but alas, QAnon presented a solution! The Russian collusion was a response to a coup. Obama, Clinton and Soros were apparently organising a coup against Trump, but they didn’t expect his tactical response. A counter coup; a pretend collusion with Russia to probe the Mueller investigation, who only pretend-investigated the president but was actually investigating the Democrats. I love the details; not only did he have Mueller investigate the Democrats undercover, but Trump had to go through with the actual collaboration with Putin. He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t leave anything to chance. The Russia conspiracy had to look real to put Democrats off the scent as they do have demonically efficient noses. 

The Covid pandemic has also preoccupied QAnon members. They encourage the consumption of an industrial bleach (known as Miracle Mineral Solution) as a "miracle cure" for the disease. In case anyone was wondering where the President of the United States gets his ideas from.

Another much entertaining claim is that a man from Pittsburgh named Vencent Fusca, is actually John F Kennedy, who faked his own assassination 57 years ago, in disguise. And lest we forget any claim in this theory has to include Trump the saviour; therefore, this Kennedy-Fuska hybrid would have been Trump’s running mate in 2020. This is hilarious just because it is so unnecessary. Why did they bring a dead Kennedy into their manifesto? Aside from the fact that Kennedy’s brain was scattered all over Jackie’s beautiful pink suit so he would have had to really commit to his own assassination, why would he run with Trump? Wasn’t he a Democrat? And what would his contribution be if he is pretending to be Fusca anyway? What does this have to do with the child sex ring? I have so many questions, maybe I will get some answers on the next season of the Crown.

One of the more recent theories put forward by QAnon has re-shed the spotlight on the Hollywood elites. And if you haven’t heard of adrenochrome harvesting, boy, are you missing out. Adrenochrome harvesting is the extraction of adrenaline from children’s blood to produce the psychoactive drug, adrenochrome. This is clearly plagiarised from across the pond; America might be insane but Queen Elizabeth consumed the blood of new-borns to stay young long before Trump was president.

Speaking of ‘across the pond’ there is a fun little claim about Angela Merkel being Hitler’s granddaughter. When I first read this I wasn’t sure whether QAnon meant it as an insult or a compliment, or whether they watched a little bit too much of ‘Dynasty’ and assumed all the German people they know of must be related. QAnon has also found its crowd in Germany, a group called Reichsbürger. They believe that ‘modern Germany is not a sovereign republic, but rather a corporation created by Allied nations after World War II’. And as if there weren’t enough Trump supporters in the States, this group has placed their trust on Trump to lead an army and restore the Reich. Just thought I would include this last little claim in case people doubted Trump’s rhetoric appeals to Neo-Nazis.

These are insane allegation in and of themselves. Regardless, as you might have guessed, a lot of these have already been debunked by, you know, events or lack thereof. You would then expect that people would abandon this idiotic theory and preferably start therapy. However, QAnon has taken pre-emptive measures. Q has instructed their followers that incorrect claims or predictions are deliberate to confuse the non-believers. They have also rebranded their posts to be more vague and cryptic so followers can interpret them as they wish. A bit like a Rothko painting. More cryptic and vague is an understatement; a lot of the posts are random letters which are meant to be codes. However, information security researchers have concluded that it is most likely random typing by ‘someone who might play an instrument and uses a QWERTY keyboard’. I didn’t know it was that easy to start a cult, let me give it a try.

oNknsoge

These codes are presented in so called Qdrops (cool name, let’s give credit where credit’s due) and are meant to be related to Trump’s speeches and tweets. It is a bit like a game with riddles which, ironically, has drawn in a bunch of idiots that probably couldn’t solve the riddle of which Batman villain Edward Nigma is. 

I fear my language might be misunderstood. I use the word ‘funny’ a lot, as if it isn’t scary that serious people have to waste time to discourage people from drinking bleach. Ridiculous is maybe a better word. I think I am simply having a hard time believing all this is actually taken seriously by any sentient being. I, for one, have been laughing all morning, something I am not necessarily proud of, but I am excusing myself. It might be a sign that I am a psychopath, but at least I am not deciphering Trump tweets trying to locate paedophiles across the globe.

This conspiracy has had frightening consequences though. Between attempted and actual murder, child abductions, breaking into a military ships, breaking into the Canadian Pirme Minister’s property and reckless car chases with unconsensual spouses and children, this was probably my favourite headline:

‘12 August 2020: A Texaswoman is arrested after allegedly chasing and crashing into a car, then telling police she thought she was chasing a paedophile’.

In hindsight, that is probably as good excuse as any that a drunken driver can come up with on the spot. 

The president of bad toupees has refused to denounce this group, or refute their claims. Instead he has said ‘I don't know much about the movement, other than I understand they like me very much, which I appreciate’ and has described the members as ‘people who love our country’. He has also been directly asked about his part in ‘The Storm’ and whether he ‘is secretly saving the world from this satanic cult of paedophiles and cannibals’. He responded that he is unaware of the claims but ‘is that supposed to be a bad thing or a good thing?’. I think I liked it better when he tweeted Covfefe. But wait! Could this have been one of Q’s codes?

Conspiracies work because humans cannot accept the inevitable randomness they encounter, or because they have a need to connect everything, or they are bombarded with absurd information and have a high tolerance for bullshit. It probably also makes them feel connected, part of a movement; it makes them feel special. And that is the scariest bit, because needing to feel special is a very common human sentiment that some people take advantage of. Q members are obviously a small minority and not all QAnon members support or are aware of all of its claims, which I cannot decide whether it gives me hope or despair. Thankfully, some people snap out of it when faced with good arguments or when asked to financially contribute to the cause (you don’t get to be a cult if you don’t monetise people’s beliefs). After having read all this and reproduced it as I didn’t have any better ideas for this week’s post, I feel drained of any few IQ points I had waking up this morning. But again, at least I am not deciphering Trump tweets trying to locate paedophiles across the globe. See? It multitasks as an alternative to both psychopathy and idiocy.