Stumbled onto a facial

For a few years now, makeup has received unprecedented attention and therefore makeup artists are now more common than baristas and overdone brows is the 2010’s epidemic. But even more recently the focus has been switched to skincare, for which my knowledge is basic but my interest growing. For example, my dedication to sun protection comes from Charlize Theron who named it the single most important thing in skin care. Have you seen her face? Also, have you spoken to a dermatologist? Wear sunblock! Ready for more skincare advice from our pop culture icons, I enthusiastically began my research. But I soon realised that spreading your own blood (vegan) across your face (a la Kardashian) is a piece of advice I’d rather not follow.

A couple of more celebrity beauty routines just for fun. Demi Moore favours blood sucking leeches to detoxify. It is an excellent alternative to green tea, which is diuretic. You wouldn’t want to risk having too much potassium in your blood for those poor leeches. Victoria Beckham (you know whatever is coming next is good) prefers bird poo. And all this time we were ignorantly scraping it off our cars, poor birds were only doing us a favour. While on the subject of poo, haemorrhoid cream is apparently better than concealer for those under-eye bags. Sandra Bullock was as surprised as we are. And of course, we have to mention the queen of unconventional beauty, Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth is all about fair trade; if you want to take from the lower end, you have to give back. Jade eggs and vagina steamers. I think it is pretty clear by now, Gwyneth Paltrow always wanted to be a farm bird; lay her eggs and become a high-protein, low-fat meal.

But as sane, everyday people would not drain their blood for a facial, the obvious solution is creating blood moisturisers that cost 1000 dollars. Or, you know, promote six step skincare routines for morning and evening, including serums and face yoga classes. That sounds like fun actually and preferable to any other yoga I have tried. And then celebrities endorse L’Oreal skincare and do a bunch of ads. But as Nikki Glaser very accurately said, whatever affordable skin care Jennifer Aniston promotes, she wouldn’t even use on her poo-poo hole. And yes, I am aware that there is an excrement pattern throughout the text, but that was not my decision. Skincare is getting insanely popular, specialised and expensive. And then when La Roche-Poche does not give you radiant cheekbones they can blame it on the clay you don’t eat (not kidding, a spoonful of clay per day keeps the aesthetician away, according to Shaeiline Woodley).

I remember boys thought it was weird when we put yogurt on our face as a DIY mask. I am sure yogurt sounds pretty normal now, eh? And ineffective, I mean if yogurt could do the trick, why chase down birds and feed them prunes? Or at least that is how I inmagine Victoria Beckham spends her day. I am assuming this entry has been no help other than putting you off your lunch so I am just going to end by promoting the absolute basics. Wear lots of water and drink lots of sunscreen. Or the other way around, whatever works for you.