Re-stumbled onto Infinity War (AKA, the pre-game)

‘We are in the Endgame now’, said Dr Strange, even though creators swore that the title of the final instalment of Phase 3 from the MCU had not been mentioned in the previous films. They are liars and we love them for it.

In preparation, me and my friends went back and watched ‘Avengers Infinity War’ for the third time and I can honestly say, it could not have been a better movie considering what it was. As always, I will start with the negative, yes the one. The main complaint is that with so many heroes, no one got enough screen time and that is true. Captain America hardly got any lines in but that is what is so amazing about the MCU, he didn’t need to because his actions spoke millions: ‘I'm not looking for forgiveness, and I'm way past asking permission’, is a sum of the 'Civil War' outcome and ‘We do not trade lives’ is his moral code in a gist. Five lines was plenty for a movie with 28 superheroes. He also got a magnificent scene, where the puny human from Brooklyn, born in 1918, resists the mighty titan with his bare hands. I swear, I got goose bumps. Plus, Endgame will take care of limited screentime, as most of the additional Avengers were erased and only the six original Avengers (and Antman and War Machine and the Racoon) were left to fight. And if things go the way I think they will, the Endgame will do justice to Steve Rogers.

There were a couple of details which were the utmost celebration of what the MCU has achieved and I would like to point them out. First one is the emotional turmoil it placed our superheroes in and how we all empathised. Thor had to witness his people get slaughtered, his best friend (and last) sacrifice himself and his brother choked in an impromptu act of kindness. So he is hurt and pissed and deservingly gets the best shot at Thanos out of all the Avengers. But he should have gone for the head. Then, both Peter Quill and Wanda Maximoff have to fight every inch of their being and kill the people (or robots respectively) they love for the greater good. And once they manage that unimaginable task it is undone in seconds. Still does not mean I forgive Peter Quill for FUCKING UP the whole universe, but you know, I empathise. After the life-ending snap, many last words were a knife through the heart; Black Panther say ‘this is no place to die’ as he gets erased from existence and Peter Parker turns to dust in the hands of Iron Man, who felt guilty enough as it was about this kid he took into his care, but he now has to watch him die, essentially. It was all heart breaking.

On the subject of Peter Parker, everything about this Spiderman is compensation for the Emo and Hipster Spidermans of the past. He is a movie nerd and a millennial, hence the pop-culture references, but possibly the best (and unlikely) version of a teenager you can get. He is so innocent and selfless it does not even cross his mind that an alien attack is diversion enough for him to disappear. He perfectly translates his ‘small scale’ vigilante duties to the Infinity War scale by saying ‘You can’t be a friendly neighbourhood Spiderman if there is no neighbourhood’. I’m sorry, even though that quote has the word ‘Spiderman’ in it, it is proper deep. Later on, his spidey sense, just like Mantis’, warns him about what is to come, a detail that made me love the Russo brothers just a tiny bit extra. And lastly, my favourite detail, in the middle of the scariest fight of his life, he takes a moment to rejoice about being an official Avenger. He is as likeable as he should have been three Spidermans ago.

Spiderman is a major Marvel character and perhaps doing him justice is what was expected. However, what the MCU will be known for is taking characters like the Guardians of the Galaxy and making them superstars. I am not saying anything original here, but I think we need a moment of appreciation for the MCU and James Gunn in particular for making them such standouts, that within a second of ‘The Rubberband Man’ playing, we knew who was coming up on screen. That is not a small feat and it just goes to show how ironclad these characters are in everyone’s mind.

And it is time to address the Titan in the room, and that is the best worst, villain since Christopher Nolan gave Batman a sore throat. Thanos is the balls (and that is not a reference to his chin, although it could be). He is not your typical villain with equal power to the hero, but with cruel intentions; he has the six infinity stones that control the universe. He can make half of existence disappear with the snap of his fingers. He is so strong, we ignored the fact that Iron Man’s suit is now essentially the Green Lantern ring (Wait, is this a crossover episode?), because it didn’t really matter anyway. And apart from that, he has suffered, he is dedicated and there is an argument behind his actions. He has seen his own planet deteriorate because of overpopulation and he is aware that there are finite resources in this universe. He has therefore decided to take it upon him to ‘bring balance to the universe’. He is probably a vegan too. Of course, he is also an emotionally detached, murderous maniac, which is what I would be if I was vegan as well. But we see him ache for Gamora, we see him show some recognition, even maybe admiration, for the selfless defenders, their effort, determination and self-sacrifice. He is not likeable, but he is surely more likeable than his skinny son, Ebony Maw; I think I literally cheered when he got his ass ‘Alien’ed. I recognise that  Thanos is obviously worse than one of his mere helpers, but he is given more character and played by Josh Brolin. I am glad Brolin also plays Cable, because otherwise I could see me mourning his loss from the MCU. And my friends would rightfully kill me if I shed a tear for Thanos.

But the most important thing that made this movie a success, was the dynamics. The Russo brothers kept enough track of the progress so far, to know who had met whom and who had heard of whom and some of those unlikely pairings were the best entertainment in the MCU. Namely Peter Quil and Thor, Peter Quil and Iron Man, Iron Man and Dr Strange, Hulk and Bruce Banner and Iron Man and Captain America. I know the last pair did not interact, but considering the 'Civil War' aftermath we needed Tony Stark to hesitate before calling Steve Rogers. How do you make that phone call? What a beautiful human moment.

Why is this that big a deal? Because this is not just the final installment of Phase 3; it’s the final instalment of all three phases. It is possibly the biggest movie event to date, certainly comicbook-wise. There is nothing more anticipated, nothing of more pop-culture importance. I’ll say it even if no one else does, it is more important than Game of Thrones. Why? Because there are more years of investment, an extra three to be precise, and most importantly this is our nerdom payback. We were mocked and we relied on paper drawings and movies worthy of the mockery we faced to get our dose of nerdiness. And then the MCU transformed this silly, childish, fictional world to the epitomy of Hollywood, getting everyone from the hottest actors to Oscar winning actresses involved. It got niche directors into the mainstream, it incorporated other movie genres and most importantly, it gave spandex-wearing characters three dimensional personalities. So I thank you Marvel, I trust you and I welcome the shock and tears (and funny puns) that will surely make the Endgame a celebration of the superhero genre.

Stumbled onto hope for DC Extended Universe

Lots of things happened this week, good things for my professional development and mental health. Lots of good, grown up stuff. And then I watched Shazam and realised I barely cared about grown up stuff.

A quick sum. A wizard is getting too old and weak to contain the seven deadly sin monsters who had wreaked humanity in the past and needs to pass his magic powers on to a worthy ‘champion’. During his search he stumbles onto a lonely, rejected child who is not deemed worthy at the time. He is never deemed worthy, actually, and therefore becomes the villain. Sorry if that was misleading. But then he meets this other child, this boy who lost his parents, a loner, a runaway from foster homes and he becomes the champion. And if he says ‘Shazam’ he turns into a tall, handsome Zachary.

This movie was brilliant. I was a bit biased as Zachary Levi is one of the most likeable people in Hollywood and I have recently re-watched the second season of Marvelous Mrs Maisel, where he was perfect. And so much better than stupid Joel. But I had a much stronger counter-bias which is that DC has pretty much fucked up all of its superhero movies in the DCEU. Therefore, I can safely say that I have a balanced opinion about this movie and all should agree. The humour was fantastic, light and immature, as it should be. Extra points for keeping the original costume regardless of how ridiculous it looked in the year 2019. Characters were very, very likeable, meaning the main character, the foster siblings and the foster parents. And Santa Claus. Look out for the little sister, who is going to melt your heart from her very first scene.

And all the ‘comic book’ stuff were ‘comic book stuff’. Yes, the villain and the wizard do not get a sufficient back-story and are charicature-esque. But I mean, how much back-story can you give a white-bearded wizard to make him relatable without spending seven books, eight movies, a play, two prequels (to date) and multiple unnecessary tweets? And the villain looked like he had a difficult childhood; how would I have enjoyed his defeat if he was relatable and I felt bad for him? I hope this is not a spoiler, I mean even for Avengers: Endgame we all know Thanos has to lose, right? Right? He has to. If he doesn’t, I am quitting the movies. All of the movies. Okay, maybe the seven deadly sins could have been better (much better) CGI-d or taken a note out of Fullmetal Alchemist and had more character, but mehh, they were way too ugly anyway.

And the big surprise of the evening was that this was an emotional movie. Emotionality was always lurking in the background, the protagonist is a delinquent foster child with a good heart, his best friend is a foster child with a disability, they are outcasts and bullied at school; that is all there. But it is shoved down your throat, begging you to focus on how unfortunate and scarred the protagonists are, as in some other, uhum, movies. But when the time is right, emotionality hits you in the face. Followed by some beautiful, immature, funny scenes.

So is this hope for DC? Did they finally get it right or will this just be an exception to the Snyderisms we have had to put up with? A friend of mine suggested that the movie was good because of the lower budget. As Shazam is not a famous superhero, there was more creative freedom, more room for risk. I hope that is not true. I hope they finally sat down at DC’s fortress of solitude, their Batcave, their headquarters, pinpointed what Marvel did well, hired James Gunn and will now reboot the universe. And while I mourned for Battfleck, and will do so until the superhero genre is fully saturated, I welcome this change if it comes with Shazam and his aesthetic in the Justice League.

Let me also put this out there, while I love Disney and all it has done for superhero movies, this could easily turn to a Lex Luthor situation with Disney having full control over blockbusters and us mainstream viewers depending on (1) whatever mediocracy they put out and (2) Oscar’s season. Part of it is already happening. As much as a liked Captain Marvel, it was not Winter Soldier. It was not a love-project for someone, it was not an original perspective. It did not need to be. From the 34 characters that will be or be referenced in Avengers: Endgame, she was the only one we had not met; of course we would watch her movie. We would watch her movie even if she wore a helmet that looked like a chicken’s head. Again, kudos for original costumes. How am I talking about the MCU again? Shazam deserves better. Shazam was awesome. Pretty decent soundtrack too.

It is good for us to have some healthy competition among the comic book movie giants, trying to out-do one another. We will get the better movies, more thought-out scripts, interesting directors and justice for Batman. I will be so disappointed if this ends up being an unexploited, momentary genius, but on the bright side, I will always have things to complain about on this blog. Bright side for me, that is.

Stumbled onto Marvel’s amazing soundtracks

I recently watched Captain Marvel, the first standalone film with a female protagonist in the MCU. Not Marvel, because Marvel made Elektra, even though we are all trying to forget. This movie could have a lot of hype; first female protagonist, Oscar-winning actress, one of the most powerful heroes in the MCU, young Samuel L. Jackson and so on. However, when half of our beloved characters have ceased to exist, a mad titan has won against our heroes and we are probably going to see the noble Captain America die in the next film, all the potential Captain Marvel hype is just not there. But to be fair this was an okay movie. It was enjoyable, the CGI to de-age SLJ did what Justice League could not do to Henry Cavil’s moustache and the characters were a bit flat but likeable. And the best part? The soundtrack. The full-on 90’s, girl empowerment, grunge soundtrack for the first female superhero movie set in the 90’s.

It is not the first time we have had a successful nostalgic soundtrack in the MCU. James Gunn (rehired, #JusticeforGunn) did it amazingly by creating a Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack so fine and fun, we would take it without the movie. Good songs that tied in as whole and related to the story. All songs were roughly from the 70’s because that is when the protagonist, Peter Quill, received the Awesome Mix Vol. 1 mixtape from his dying mother. The songs were therefore emotionally tied in to the story and made sense plotwise. But that is not all; they tied in to the scenes as well. This was a comedy disguised as a superhero movie and the songs were giving the scenes an essential light touch. They weren’t complementary to the scenes, they were integral. And that in turn did justice to popular, adored songs.

Captain Marvel’s soundtrack has not caused the same uproar, but man did I feel like wearing brown lipliner, thinning my brows and trying to dress like Kate Moss (for the unaware, these were all 90’s trends). A bit of Salt-N-Peppa for the fun, a bit of Nirvana for the grunge and a bit of Hole, Garbage and No Doubt for that girl-power grunge-pop aesthetic. It never felt out of touch; Brie was only happy when it rains, sporting a leather jacket on a stolen motorcycle and that made a filler scene feel complete. Plus not one, but two R.E.M. songs, including Man on the Moon, which felt so utterly appropriate. While not as awesome as the sensibly named Awesome Mix, this is another Spotify playlist to follow.

 It seems the world was shocked by how good the first Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack was (second one was not too shabby either), and superhero movies tried to implement nostalgic playlists into their movies. Captain Marvel, in my opinion, did it very well. You know who did not though? DC! Right after Guardians of the Galaxy was released and these relatively unknown superheroes got so much attention and praise, DC’s dark antihero movie ‘Suicide Squad’ went back into the editing room with many reshoots to fit this more fun and wacky attitude people seemed to enjoy. And therefore the next trailer is Harley Quinn, Deadshot and whichever other forgettable character was in the movie doing bad guy stuff with ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ playing. ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, a king of songs. A song so big, it got its own movie. Problem is, it did not work. Neither did ‘Seven Nation’s Army’ or ‘You Don’t Own Me’ or ‘Without ME’ or any of them. And this is a typical case of DC misunderstanding what worked and why. You don’t only need epic songs; you need epic songs that continue from one another, tie into the scene, tie into the plot. In other words, you need to do these epic songs justice, think them through rather than have them as accessories. In one, simple sentence, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ is a flamboyant masterpiece, not a clickbait prop.

 Good news is James Gunn is doing the next Suicide Squad movie (at the time of this blogpost) so we can hope for a good soundtrack. Even better news is that he was rehired by Marvel for the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3, so we can hope for an even better soundtrack. The best news is that while DC got it wrong, another Marvel director got it right, so we can hope for amazing soundtracks for many superhero movies to come. 

Stumbled onto a facial

For a few years now, makeup has received unprecedented attention and therefore makeup artists are now more common than baristas and overdone brows is the 2010’s epidemic. But even more recently the focus has been switched to skincare, for which my knowledge is basic but my interest growing. For example, my dedication to sun protection comes from Charlize Theron who named it the single most important thing in skin care. Have you seen her face? Also, have you spoken to a dermatologist? Wear sunblock! Ready for more skincare advice from our pop culture icons, I enthusiastically began my research. But I soon realised that spreading your own blood (vegan) across your face (a la Kardashian) is a piece of advice I’d rather not follow.

A couple of more celebrity beauty routines just for fun. Demi Moore favours blood sucking leeches to detoxify. It is an excellent alternative to green tea, which is diuretic. You wouldn’t want to risk having too much potassium in your blood for those poor leeches. Victoria Beckham (you know whatever is coming next is good) prefers bird poo. And all this time we were ignorantly scraping it off our cars, poor birds were only doing us a favour. While on the subject of poo, haemorrhoid cream is apparently better than concealer for those under-eye bags. Sandra Bullock was as surprised as we are. And of course, we have to mention the queen of unconventional beauty, Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth is all about fair trade; if you want to take from the lower end, you have to give back. Jade eggs and vagina steamers. I think it is pretty clear by now, Gwyneth Paltrow always wanted to be a farm bird; lay her eggs and become a high-protein, low-fat meal.

But as sane, everyday people would not drain their blood for a facial, the obvious solution is creating blood moisturisers that cost 1000 dollars. Or, you know, promote six step skincare routines for morning and evening, including serums and face yoga classes. That sounds like fun actually and preferable to any other yoga I have tried. And then celebrities endorse L’Oreal skincare and do a bunch of ads. But as Nikki Glaser very accurately said, whatever affordable skin care Jennifer Aniston promotes, she wouldn’t even use on her poo-poo hole. And yes, I am aware that there is an excrement pattern throughout the text, but that was not my decision. Skincare is getting insanely popular, specialised and expensive. And then when La Roche-Poche does not give you radiant cheekbones they can blame it on the clay you don’t eat (not kidding, a spoonful of clay per day keeps the aesthetician away, according to Shaeiline Woodley).

I remember boys thought it was weird when we put yogurt on our face as a DIY mask. I am sure yogurt sounds pretty normal now, eh? And ineffective, I mean if yogurt could do the trick, why chase down birds and feed them prunes? Or at least that is how I inmagine Victoria Beckham spends her day. I am assuming this entry has been no help other than putting you off your lunch so I am just going to end by promoting the absolute basics. Wear lots of water and drink lots of sunscreen. Or the other way around, whatever works for you.

Stumbled onto my YouTube homepage

Let me start by admitting that I am stupid. It took me long to realise that what shows up on my YouTube homepage as ‘suggested’, ‘recent’ or ‘popular’ is based on the videos I had already watched. That is on me. But I did, for a time, think that all the ‘A Closer Look’ videos were coming up on everyone’s computer and that that was a worldwide popular late night segment. I mean each video has about 1.3 million views, I was not completely delusional. And then I logged onto YouTube without signing in and I realised that I have no contact with what the rest of the world is watching. The difference was immense and I learnt so many things! Ariana Grande has more than one song, there is a YouTuber that looked for dead bodies in a forest and James Corden’s show is actually doing really well! Who would have thought? The fact that I am an idiot and did not realise that YouTube was tailored to my needs (even though I was fully aware of all the data protection scandals) is on me. The fact that I am practically living in a distinct social web from the person sitting next to me is kind of scary.

It is amazing that we have breadth and depth for our interests and preferences, but, at the same time, we only exchange views about these with similarly minded people. And then we think there is more of us, we think we are indisputable. That was perhaps the benefit of TV. There were some options, less options, that would play at a certain time. So say I was watching a crappy prime time show (cough-cough, Big Bang Theory, cough-cough). There would be other people in my immediate environment watching the same crappy prime time show, because it was on at ten pm. And some of them would agree with me and we would make fun of the show during our lunch break. Some others would disagree with me and argue for Jim Parsons, Aspergers-like performance. And these are the people that I am afraid are almost missing from the equation now. I don’t have to fight with all the ‘Team Coco’ subscribers; we all love Conan and none of us is ever going to subscribe to ‘Jay Leno’s Garage’. But I am shielded from the opposition. I am aware that this sounds like I wish we were all sending essays to each other about the stereotypes and sexism and joke repetition of ‘certain’ prime time shows. With an admittedly good theme song. But I mean casual conversation, where ideas are exchanged and not just reinforced or voted down. I swear I won’t talk about how the internet is robbing us from real human experience, like a grandma; this casual conversation can be on WhatsApp while on the toilet. The best kind.

Apparently this is a real problem that was particularly prominent in the 2016 election in the US, where if you compared a Democrat’s and Republican’s Facebook feed it was as if they were living in different countries. There are serious issues about personal data being available to all sorts of companies, but the reinforcement I choose to discuss is at a basic, pop-culture level, because that is all I know. We are all getting a biased version of reality that is shared, recycled and reinforced among us. It is just curious that the freedom offered by the internet may be making us all the more close-minded. And if that sounds like I made a life-shattering realisation, signed out of YouTube, stopped reading news on Twitter and visited a couple of contradicting sites, I did not. I really, really like my videos and not having to look for them. Yay progress!

I swore I was not going to make the grandma argument about real human experience within this post! But here I go. Newcomber, Festinger and many more social psychologists did a number of studies showing that stronger relationships and greater likeability developed with people that lived closer by and were encountered more often, compared to people with similar interests. I think this is how we function, it is in our DNA, it is related to oxytocin, and yes I am going to cite all the relevant psychology terms I know to project authority. But just as I thought everyone in my office watched ‘Screen Rant: Pitch Meetings’, I also think physical proximity is useful, nourishes critical thinking and even compassion.

And it is not like we can’t get both. If 1.3 million English-speaking people, likely to be aged from 20 to 40, with a similar sense of humour are watching ‘A Closer Look’ I will either find or convert someone. It is just equally good to have a third person sitting next to us while we watch it to point out that joking about Trump’s spelling mistakes on Twitter is a distraction from the more alarming aspects of his governance. It’s nice to have these sort of dull people around and love them just because they are physically next to you, rather than hate them behind a username. And people tend to have stupid usernames.

Stumbled onto the Podcast World

Little late to the game, I know, but this has been a life-changing experience. I first remember having the word ‘Podcast’ pop up on my iTunes as a separate category to music and videos (back when I had an iPod). I didn’t know what it might be and no answers I received made me curious at all to find out. I think I then revisited the word when I began listening to audiobooks and a friend asked ‘why audiobooks and not podcasts?’. But even then, I could not really see the point. But then my favourite famous human being started one, Conan O’Brien, and I decided I didn’t have much of a choice but to immerse myself in the Podcast experience.

So this started off as a fan-girl experience, planning to exclusively listen to ‘Conan O’Brien needs a friend’ so as to get my daily Conan dose that I was lacking as the show was off the air FOR EVER. But that was a one-hour Podcast per week. I needed more. I soon found out about comedic podcasts, informational podcasts and opinion podcasts from people whose opinion I would like to know. All of a sudden, Stitcher (because Spotify and iTunes want me to pay them money, which I won’t), was filled with downloaded episodes from about four ongoing Podcasts. And while that may not seem like a lot, bear in mind I like to catch up. I am not one of those people that can just accept that I came in late and will therefore skip the episodes I missed. I need to know, I need to be able to go ‘it used to be much better’ about any Podcast I am following. The current situation is that I walk, commute and shop with someone babbling on my headphones. And that is all good, apart from the few inconveniences that have occurred.

First of all, I have completely given up on music. I remember reading NME, jotting down bands and looking them up. I remember being able to chronologically comment on Cage the Elephant’s musical progression. I remember having a free Spotify membership (again, I am very cheap) and not allowing myself to listen to my own playlists until I had listened to my suggested mix, in order to learn new songs. And now, Arctic Monkeys came out with a new album in May 2018 and honestly, I might have heard it once? Have I? And it is not just new music that I have lost track of, I hadn’t intentionally listened to any music since October. That means none of my favourite songs, none of my guilty-not guilty pleasures and none of those songs that make you contemplate about life and love and happiness and worthiness and so on. Thankfully, Foals had a new single to break this streak, but even that I have listened to once. And I have referenced Foals enough on this blog for this statistic to be shocking. I miss music. I think, I can barely remember what it sounds like.

Secondly and most importantly, I look like an idiot. Constantly. This is especially true for the comedic Podcasts. You know how when you see a person laughing by themselves on the bus you make a mental note to sit away from them? Let’s just say I have a lot of personal space on my commutes lately. I walk down the street and I laugh, and I also try to hide it, which likely makes it worse. Most of the time I have a knowing grin on my face like I’m approving of a joke that no one else in the street has access to. It is ridiculous! Google satellite has now probably flagged me as a schizophrenic who is really, really enjoying those voices in her head.

But it is not just the comedic Podcasts. Unfortunately, my face is quite expressive regardless of content. So I might be buying courgettes and staring at them really hard because I am trying to understand how private insurance companies convinced the American public that public healthcare was a direct attack on their constitutional free will. But as I don’t have ‘I am listening to an anti-Trump Podcast’ written on my forehead, I just look confused by courgettes. And sometimes I am, I mean, they must be closely related to cucumbers right? There are just so many similarities. And pumpkins. For some reason I feel like those are related.

Lastly, I am victim to the same problem we all are, now that TV has taken a backseat to streaming services and the internet. AKA, I don’t really have someone to talk about one of the past times that takes up quite a bit of my day. It is more and more the case that we all deal with our own pop cultures that are popular for a large number of people, but not a large number of people you personally know. There is a sometimes a false sense of something’s popularity and I feel as if that has created some personal barriers in communication. This is something I would like to discuss in a separate blog post, as it is sometimes funny and sometimes scary, but for the sake of this topic it is quite simple. Apparently not everyone listens to ‘No such thing as a fish’ and apparently I am not good at repeating jokes. Therefore I am now unlikeable. And Podcasts are to blame.

Whining aside, I am loving this world of Podcasts. They are amazing and much needed distractions, they feel way more genuine and they are a practical alternative to YouTube videos to pass your time. And as a person whose emotional wellbeing very much depends on distractions I am grateful for the ability to take them with me on the tube. Last thing, ads on podcasts are a lot better. Take note, YouTube.

Stumbled onto the Crimes of Rowling

MAJOR SPOILER WARNING. Spoiler-free review: Forecast is not good.

If it is not already obvious, I am a huge Harry Potter fan, however, I was never a big fan of the movies. Then Fantastic Beasts came along, where Rowling wrote the screenplay and we met up with new lead characters, new settings and little ties to the Harry Potter franchise other than Grindelwald and Scamander, two names mentioned in passing. I was revived! It was beautiful; Rowling’s sensitive, humorous writing shined through and the plot was simple, shifting the focus on these very, very likeable characters. At the very last frame, though, we get our first unnecessary twist, the already bad guy was the worse guy in disguise played by the even worse Johnny Depp. That was a bit alarming, but I had no reason to suspect Crimes of Grindelwald would be the mess it was.

I am always one for saying good things first, not because I want to positively prime the reader but to get it over with and to move on to the fun stuff. The CGI was amazing, the beasts were adorable and I am sure they will sell well as merchandise (see how my bitter tone lurks between the words). The direction was by David Yates who directed many of the Harry Potter films and it was as you may remember from these aforementioned films, adequate. ‘T was ok. We are not getting another Alfonso Cuaron, David Yates will do. The acting was obviously good, I mean the lead actor has an Oscar. I have a personal thing; I don’t like Johnny Depp in most current movies, so I was against his casting prior to the wife-beating accusations. Dialogues were not cheesy, apart from that Bogart turning into a desk to signify Newt’s adventurous personality. And again, that warmth that always features in Rowling’s writing was there… at times. The best thing for me were some of the characters; she obviously likes Newt, Jacob and Dumbledore and they are then wonderfully written. And that is how you can tell she likes them. Because everyone else either gets no character development (Tina), gets a stupid character development (Quin) or vaguely gets a character (Credence). I will however say a big thank you to whoever cast Jude Law. Just, thank you. And thank you to the costume designer for putting him in a three piece suit. Just, thank you.

So that is a number of good points and it might be starting to feel like I was too negative for no apparent reason. But when the direction is merely a vehicle for the plot to show, if that plot is dumb then the movie is dumb. And the movie was dumb.

I will briefly mention the thing that has enraged the internet; McGonagall was not born in the year of the movie, ESPECIALLY not during the flashback. Her cameo was a disgrace. Moving on. Nicholas Flamel had little to no purpose in this film other than us going ‘Oh, from the Philosopher, oh, there it is! Oh, stone you do not know what’s coming for you in 70 years time’. Nagini had no purpose in this film and, frankly, I think she was doing okay as a snake. Let’s consider the plot and please keep in mind that this is the ACTUAL PLOT of this NON-FAN FICTION, NON-SOAP OPERA film. The movie begins with Newt banned from travel, which is completely irrelevant as he does travel and the illegal aspect of it plays absolutely no role to the plot. The movie then continues with everyone chasing after Credence, aka Dr. Drake Ramoray, looking for his mum who dropped him at a hostile orphanage, but instead finds his nanny who is immediately murdered, meets a potential sister and a potential murderous half-brother, gets recruited by the villain but ends up being his arch nemesis’s younger brother (or half-brother). Then we meet a childhood friend who has a crush on Newt but is marrying his brother, but then she sort of murdered a baby all those years ago but then she pointlessly sacrifices herself. Then we meet Tina, who Newt likes, but she doesn’t like Newt because typos. And during this whole ordeal we are dealing with bleached Johnny Depp who has a wonky, evil eye, just in case it is not ABSOLUTELY clear he is the villain. In their defence, Depp has not been good in a movie in a while, so they couldn’t risk making it subtle.

And finally, the two things that bothered me the most and I would really like to know if others felt the same way. First, it is an inevitable issue that Grindelwald appears a much bigger threat than Voldemort, which from what I understand should not be the case. Grindelwald, again as I understand it, was the worst thing to have happened until Voldemort and they could say his name just fine, so he must have been at least a little bit better. As these movies are created after the Harry Potter franchise, I get it, they need to up their game in order to entertain viewers, but for me it is off putting at every turn. Secondly and most importantly, these movies have opened up the magic world to include other countries, another continent; shouldn’t they include different characters? Is it not a bit too much of ‘Days of our lives’ that Grindelwald is chasing Credence who might be Leda Lestrange’s long lost brother, but really is the long-lost brother of Dumbledore, who is Grindelwald’s adolescent flame? For the life of me, I do not understand how the wizarding world got opened up and we are still dealing with the same wizarding families that feature in an England based book series. Why did we need a Lestrange in this movie?

I do not know why this happened. Rowling is a freaking billionaire so part of me refuses to acknowledge that this is probably just a cheap play for cash because, as I said, she is a freaking billionaire! But this was just a soap opera with some cute Nifflers running around and aimless shots of nostalgia fired at all of us who loved the well thought out Harry Potter details. Things were so thought out in the Harry Potter seven-book series that at some point, when Harry is presumed dead, he is delivered back by Hagrid, just as he was as a child when he escaped death and was delivered to his aunt and uncle. And that was such a tiny detail holding such weight and emotionality. And in this storyline we got McGonagall shown as a Hogwarts teacher years before she would be born. There is a feeling that Rowling is trying to appeal to the fans with all these Easter Eggs referring to the well-loved franchise but I think most of us feel cheated and as if we are watching fan fiction barely better that that featured in ‘Harry Potter: Origin of the Heir’ (check it out with alcohol).

There are so many more issues which you can find online. I personally found Screen Rant’s ‘Crimes of Grindelwald Pitch Meeting’ as the best and funniest video and some of my points are so much better shown there, I do not risk plagiarism. What I think happened, is Rowling got herself a good old case of GerogeLucas-itis (trademark) and the prequels we all begged her for on Twitter might suffer the same fate as Anakin Skywalker; no leg to stand on (I tried not to type it, I swear. But I did laugh a little bit when I thought of it).